OK, I’ve finished the self-esteem bits of the March 2001 issue. I’ll go back to the rest of the issue once I’m finished with my LO dilemma (competition from another blog….or self-perceived competition from another blog).

I have to say this issue has helped me a lot. Mostly with self-esteem, you have to learn how to be confident in who you are and what you do–it’s more important that you don’t sit around and try to measure up to others or let others dictate how you feel.

That said, it’s not easy to go from loving to get approval from everyone to doing your own thing, but it can be done. Just keep plugging away, and the accomplishments will help build you up.

The funny thing is that I can do a lot of stuff–dance, read music, play several instruments, play sports, etc., but I don’t really regard that as being special and making me worthy. I can just do those things. Doesn’t everyone know how? Apparently not. And discounting my accomplishments has helped me to not feel as worthy because I’m not doing something huge and world-changing with my life. No, I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and be good with what I can do.

I also need to know that there will be times when I’m just going to have a bad day, or I’m going to do something stupid. I should acknowledge those times and move on, rather than wallow in them, as I am wont to do. I think I’m better equipped now to handle the downturns though.

I pulled out this issue because I didn’t feel like I could compete with the Living Oprah site/project. But perhaps it’s not a competition at all. I know she exists, but I’ve got my separate thing going and I think it’s a pretty good project in and of itself. So what if she’s had radio interviews? That doesn’t mean her project is any better, nor does it mean my project is any worse. It just means that if I want more readers, I’m going to have to figure out how to publicize this site a little more. That’s all.

So how do I do that? Well, I think it’s time to look at the Success (September 2001) and Excellence (December 2003) issues and see if they have any good advice for me.

In the last column of the self-esteem issue (March 2001), Oprah tells a story from her childhood when she went way over the top on a book report, and was publicly acknowledged in class by her teacher.  The teacher went on to say that everyone should put in as much effort as Oprah did.  Needless to say, the kids in the class weren’t happy with Oprah and taunted her for a bit, saying things like, “She thinks she’s so smart.”

Oprah writes that this kind of behavior followed her through adulthood, and she felt like she had to appease others, even if it meant she lost that inner glow you get from doing a good job.  She eventually decided (apparently in the late 1990s) to “stop apologizing for my accomplishments.  I came to realize that there’s no way to satisfy such critics.  People who don’t feel great about themselves feel even worse when those around them do well.  When they say, ‘Who does she think she is?’ what they really mean is ‘How dare she exceed my expectations of who I think she should be?’”

It’s interesting to think of self-esteem as not being defined by what others think of you.  If you want to succeed, you should try and do your best.  Don’t let everyone else bring you down to their level.  Know what you believe, what you want to be, and don’t settle.  Pretty powerful stuff, I think.  Oh, it’s hard to do–especially if you’re constantly looking for approval–but it can be done.

Instead of doing one O Interview this month, Oprah talks to four different women (“phenomenal women”) about self-esteem: Toni Morrison, Gloria Steinem, Christiane Amanpour, and Marion Jones. It’s interesting to have the four different takes–these women aren’t psychological experts, but they are successful, and being successful does take a bit of self-esteem. You’ve got to believe in yourself to do great things….well, and maybe take steroids.

[Oh, I know--Oprah had no clue that Marion Jones was using illegal substances, but after the way she lit into James Frey for stretching the truth in his memoir, Marion would be smart to stay far away from Oprah's show when she gets out of prison.]

Oprah picked these four women because she feels they are all women who are “in full possession” of themselves. They’ve figured out who they were meant to be and became that person–and they did so not getting bogged down in what other people thought of them. Let’s see what they all have to say about self-esteem.

Toni Morrison: She says she really can’t define self-esteem, but she does say she feels like nobody is the boss of her (and personally, I think that’s part of it. If you feel you have to measure up to someone else’s standards, then someone else is the boss of you, no?). Another good quote:

This is life–this is it. If you want to make it trifling, that’s a choice. That makes me sound glib, but life doesn’t come here in a little package marked HERE’S YOUR WORTHY LIFE. GO GET HAPPY. It comes with seom intricate, interesting work to be done. At some point between 6 and 13, you have to either wake up or put yourself to sleep. And everthing is designed to encourage spiritual and mental sleep. You shut down and start buying stuff.

Morrison comes across as kind of a tough love/don’t wallow in yourself person, and after reading the Constructive Living article, I’m a little inclined to be tougher on myself. OK, I get to wallow a short bit, but pick up and move on because I know I’m OK.

In regards to my feeling this project isn’t “as good” as Living Oprah’s (she’s living Oprah for 1 year), I can’t really think about that. And lately I haven’t been. I’ve been focused on making progress with this project, sending out queries for other articles I want to write, trying to meet people. And that makes me feel much better than curling up on my bed crying that LO got herself another radio interview.

What does Gloria Steinem have to say? She defines self-esteem as:

“valuing the self, but it’s also having a sense of self-authority. It’s not just a feeling; it’s also an ability–and nothing works without it. I find it useful to think of two kinds of self-esteem: One is core self-esteem, the feeling that you are a good person.” (this is basically how you were raised–did your parents love you and all that good stuff) “The other kind is situational self-esteem, which comes from comparing your skills to others’ skills and from being effective in the world. If you don’t have core self-esteem, you can get hooked on situational self-esteem as if it were a drug. But no amount of money or accomplishment is ever big enough because you are lacking at your core.”

So, Gloria, are you saying that if your folks didn’t love you enough when you were a kid, are you basically screwed out of half of your self-esteem as an adult? Because it really sounds like you can’t get that core self-esteem back once it’s gone, the way you’re explaining it.

Needless to say, I’m not liking what Steinem has to say. I’m woefully unknowledgeable about the women’s rights movement, especially in the 1970s. She starts to talk about having self-authority, and I can’t quite figure out how that’s different from self-esteem, but no matter how I read it, it sounds like you can get away with blaming someone else for your crappy life, rather than figure out how to make it better, giving yourself a better self-image.

Maybe reporter Christiane Amanpour has something good to say!

Actually, what I like about her is that here she sounds human, but can describe herself very concisely. She has fear, yet she tries to manage it so she can work. Oprah points out that most people don’t go into war zones the way she does, and Amanpour concedes that; however, she tries to stretch herself because you don’t really know what you’re capable of doing until you try. On self-esteem, she says:

It’s something that you grow up to recognize. I define it as knowing who I am, what I’m about, where I fit into the universe, and feeling comfortable and good about myself.

Nice and to the point. She also admits that she has low periods, just like anyone else, and she doubts herself sometimes, but that actually helps her “concentrate my mind and propel me in the direction that I knew I wanted to go.” Overall, an interesting and helpful thought.

So can Marion Jones add anything to this discussion? Not really. Not knowing what we know now. It’s ironic to read that she’s proud of the woman she’s become, and “I’m proud of the woman I am going to become.” What does she think of herself now? Did she really think like this back in 2001, or was she just acting? It’s really kind of sad.

Overall though, after reading this I feel a bit more grounded, more sure of myself. And with every article I read and every entry I write, I feel more sure of myself, who I am, and what I’m doing.

You know how sometimes you read an article and the subject really speaks to you?  Well, after reading an interview with David K. Reynolds, Ph.D. about self-esteem, I felt he was speaking directly to me.  What did he say?  “Babybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby!”

The article in question is “The Radical Road to Self-Esteem.”  Reynolds teaches a theory called Constructive Living, which is based on some Japanese therapies, where even if you’re scared to death, you “do what you have to do” to get through the present, and you’ll be able to change your life.

This sort of philosophy is radically different from what America preaches–or maybe what the pharmaceutical companies preach–because we believe you have to feel good about yourself first, then you can live.  Take meds, try to heal from a troubled past, visualize a good future.

Reynolds is talking about tough love, which shouldn’t be new to me.  I mean, I’ve heard, “Get over it!” from both the Boy and my mother, so why I’m intent on wallowing in my past, I don’t know.  Reynolds claims you don’t have good self-esteem because you haven’t taken enough risks and seen enough successes–you feel good by succeeding, but the only way to succeed is to take a risk (and admittedly, sometimes you have to take a lot of risks before you find success).  He says you don’t need to feel good to have success either–you can be deathly afraid of something (the example here is flying, but substitute any big fear), but if you just do it, you’ll see that you can, and that will give you more confidence.  You don’t need to placate yourself first, or, even worse, not do said fear just because you’re afraid.

Reynolds isn’t a big fan of the wallowing in your past memories either.  He claims it’s convenient to go to therapy and hash out your problems over and over instead of making an actual effort to do something.  It’s easy to push the responsibility for your own life onto someone else.  At a certain point you need to get over it and move on.  [perhaps this man doesn't know what it's like to have or need a good cry every once in a while]  Nobody knows how to fix feelings, so it’s best if you can just recognize the bad feelings and try not to let them prevent you from doing what you want to do.  It’s nice that he says it’s OK to feel not great–you can feel lazy or scared or depressed, but the key is to not let those bad feelings take over and dictate how you live.

The interviewer does talk a little about chemical imbalances, which is good because they do exist, and this guy seems to say, well, they don’t matter; just control yourself.  Reynolds does acknowledge them, but he believes you can train yourself to slowly take control and not let your disease take control.

Another nice thing he mentions is that you won’t feel great about yourself all the time, and that’s normal.  You’re not “on” all the time, not smart, not kind, not wonderful all the time, so there are naturally times when you’re not going to feel great about yourself.  However, you’ll have different supports in your life that you can rely on to get you through.

Overall, it was a really interesting article that provided me with some basic thoughts to keep moving forward.  OK, I’m not feeling great about myself, my writing, or this project at the moment, but I have to keep moving ahead.  Now, I also think therapy is helpful for some people.  I’m in therapy for Fat Camp, and I think that’s been enormously helpful for me.  I think there are some points/aspects of life where you know you need to get out, but you can’t figure out how to do it and need some outside opinions.  If you’re at a stage like me where you simply just need a reminder to take a few risks and get stuff done, and that will give you the self-esteem fix you need, then maybe reading more on Constructive Living would help.

So what will I do to boost my self-esteem the Constructive Living way?  Well, it’s helped that I’ve written a fair amount in the last couple of days.  I always find the project a little less daunting when I’m actually working on it.  I swear, if I’m not working on this project, the stack of Oprahs grows exponentially, and the whole project seems undoable.  Half a magazine later, I feel much better about it.  But I really want some more exposure–not only for me, but really, for people who need help or for people who rely on self-help books to get them through.  I think it’s important to examine the self-help industry and see if it’s actually as valuable as we think it is.

It’s a nice, short, 2-question “Something to Think About” in the self-esteem issue (vol. 2 iss. 3), which is nice because I don’t think my self-esteem could handle a bunch of questions.  Let’s get to it:

The intro paragraph claims that if you want to change the way you feel about yourself, change the way you act.  Then you’ll know what triggers your feelings of self-doubt and learn how to manage those situations when they come up.  Change your behavior, and you’ll feel better about yourself, and voila!  Good self-esteem!

1. “Write down one area in your life–your finances, marriage, health, career–in which you feel insecure, uneasy, or frustrated.  What one thing can you do right now to improve your situation?  What can you do tomorrow and the next day?” Well, I feel insecure about the writing career.  It’s slow to take off–mainly because I’m slow to query and slow to write.  I can think up all sorts of excuses about why I shouldn’t sit down at the computer in the morning.  I don’t put together proposals.  I mainly slave away at blogs that not a lot of people read and don’t promote myself.  When I don’t write or breathe long enough to figure out where I can sell what I want to write about, then I get frustrated, or I feel guilty, and I goof off even more.  And then I’m frustrated because this project is way behind schedule.  So what’s the one thing I can do right now to improve my situation?  Don’t stress over the selling.  I have a schedule worked out, and selling happens on certain days.  On selling days, I should look at any notes I’ve kept over the week and then put together queries.  I can keep plugging away on this project–I’ll finish it eventually.  Just keep moving–if I tell myself that, I do feel better.  It’s like Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird–take the writing a little bit at a time.  And then I’ll try not to feel as though I sound like a broken record.
2. “Procrastination and fear often block our progress.  What task have you been avoiding for at least a month?  Why are you putting it off?  How would buckling down and pushing yourself to act help improve your sense of self? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say they’re not talking about me not cleaning the oven.  I do avoid this project religiously.  I have piles of the magazines around my desk, haunting me every time I look at them.  Although I haven’t avoided this project for a month, I do avoid it for days and weeks at a time.  By doing that, I’ll never read all these magazines and have to deal with what to do about them.  Nor will I gain any insight they may give me.  It’s possible I avoid them because I don’t want to go through the work of changing.  But if I buckle down and finish this, I’ll feel so good about accomplishing a big project–it means that I can tackle a book or something.

OK, I’m going to ponder this for a little while, but I’m also going to keep right on going and read another article or two.  Plug away, Jill.  Plug away.

I haven’t been around for a few days–I’m sorry for that.  Part of it’s because I’m still trying to fit this project in with some everyday work.  The other reason is that I’m still licking some wounds from being kicked to the curb (figuratively) by Dr. Phil.

In the self-esteem issue (March 2001), Dr. Phil takes on some questions about self-perception, a couple of which I could’ve written:

1. What is this “self-esteem” that you speak of?  I don’t understand what it is.  I hate everything about myself, so how can I get some self-esteem? Dr. Phil liked this question–and I do too.  It’s a nice basic one to get the ball rolling.  Dr. Phil defines self-esteem as “the degree to which you assign worth to yourself.  Other common words for this are self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-assurance. Some people possess a high degree of these qualities and some people don’t.”  Really, the amount of self-esteem you have is your call.  Even though you may be influenced by experiences and people, how you think of yourself is up to you.  It’s all in how you perceive yourself (and Dr. Phil notes that perception and reality aren’t the same thing).  So if you think poorly of yourself, get over it–you’re unique and have value.  Talking bad about yourself isn’t going to help.  Dr. Phil also does say (and mad props for this) that if you have a negative self-perception, maybe there’s a reason for that.  You’re not worthless–nobody’s worthless–but if you think you’re “lazy and selfish,” and it turns out to be true, uh, maybe you should fix that.
2. I feel worthless because my parents pounded that thought into me, and even though I’m an adult, these thoughts still plague me.  How can I stop feeling so worthless? “When you have negative thoughts about yourself, you are not responding to who you really are, you are responding to your perception of you.  Change the perception and you will change your life.  Sometimes we must give ourselves what we wish we had gotten from others, unfair as it may be.”  That’s the short part of the answer–Dr. Phil talks about not perpetrating this behavior with the writer’s kids.  At least Dr. Phil acknowledges that changing your self-perception can take some time.  You have to keep at it though because eventually those better messages will sink in.  This is good advice for me–I don’t have the greatest self-esteem at times, and I tend to beat myself up and talk myself out of doing a lot of writing/submitting because I feel like I’m not a good enough writer (or I don’t want to deal with the rejection of a totally awesome idea).  If I can stop those negative thoughts from bubbling up, I can deal with this Living Oprah competition.
3. Can you have too much self-esteem?  Because I’ve got this friend who will not shut up about herself. Dr. Phil says if you’re really confident with yourself, you don’t feel the need to flaunt it.  This is probably someone who feels inferior and feels the need to be superior to make herself feel better.
4. My son’s got some drug/prison problems, and I’ve got a 14-yr-old daughter who’s got to deal with people being mean to her about this situation.  What can I tell her? I thought this was an interesting question too…ah, the joys of taunting children.  Why we have high school reunions to remind us of this, I’m not sure.  Dr. Phil advises the writer to remind the daughter that she is not her brother, everybody makes choices, the brother made some bad choices, and now he’s facing the circumstances.  Also tell the daughter that everyone goes through rough patches (don’t wish them on anyone), so she’s not alone.  Finally, remind her that people probably aren’t talking about her as much as she thinks they are, so try not to obsess over what other people think about this situation.

Overall, some pretty interesting questions and decent advice.  I’m feeling more worthy about myself already.

I haven’t been around for a couple of days.  I’ll be the first to admit that some of it’s due to procrastination (though somewhere in my building, there’s a person who practices piano for hours at a time.  I’ve heard the improvement, and every time I hear the ivories, I think it’s time for me to get to work as well).  However, I’d started the “Get Unstuck” issue, thinking it would help me with my LO Dilemma, and it’s not really what I’m looking for.  That issue was something I needed several months ago, before I quit my job that wasn’t working for me.  It wasn’t the “stuck” I feel.

So I’m skipping the rest of that issue for now and trying self-esteem (March 2001).  I know I’ve hit the jackpot–Oprah’s “Here We Go” column nails some of my issues right on the head:  “Over the course of thousands of interviews through the years, I have come to understand a predominant theme in human encounters: We are all seeking validation.”  And that’s totally true in my case.  One reason I love writing is that I can look to a pile of diaries or blog entries or articles and say, “Look what I’ve been able to do.  See?  It’s written down–some of it’s published.  It’s important (and so am I).”

But as Oprah continues in her column, that shouldn’t matter–I shouldn’t care about what the rest of the world thinks about me.  I’m good enough because I am.

That’s going to take some time to sink in.  It’s easy (and sometimes fun) to compare myself to others, particularly when I don’t know the other person’s full story and can just make a lot of assumptions, therefore making myself feel even worse.  It’s also easy to wallow in rejection–especially in my field.  I’ll apply for a writing job or pitch an idea, and I obsess over getting the approval, getting the editor to like me.  After a few days, that kind of goes away, and I stop obsessing over said opportunity (and this runs the gamut from checking my e-mail all the time to constantly visiting websites to see if something of mine’s been published to thinking about it nonstop and having full on conversations with editors who aren’t there).  Why?  Mostly because I don’t have the time to be so obsessed, but also because it’s tiring.

Now that I’ve known about the Living Oprah site for a couple of weeks, I’ve slowly become less obsessed with the idea that her project is killing mine.  Has my dilemma totally disappeared?  No, because I still have the same underlying problems that caused it in the first place.  I don’t give myself enough credit and believe in (and put time toward) my own project.  Self-sabotage?  Maybe, but I’m pulling myself out of my funk and moving on.  Hopefully, this self-esteem issue will allow me to move on sooner than I have in the past (and in this case).