Done with another issue! Done with volume one! Can you believe it? That in and of itself is a gift–the knowledge that I’ve reached a bit of a milestone. One volume down, seven+ to go.

I liked the giving issue because I think giving is fun. It’s good to remember that you shouldn’t give for altruistic reasons, and you should give of yourself whenever possible. Even if you don’t have money (something I tend to feel now that my income is sporadic–though it’s not entirely true. I still have more money than a lot of people do, and I shouldn’t hoard mine as much as I do right now), you should give your talents or at least give what you can. A little bit can go a long way for some people. I just need to remember that.

This article did have a great article on this Iowan teacher who taught her students about the evils of racism through a little project where she’d segregate kids based on eye color. Then she’d tell one group that the other was bad. They immediately started in on the discrimination. A couple of days later, she’d do the reverse. It was interesting to read the reactions of the kids being discriminated against and how they hated it, and how it made them aware of all the subtle racist ways we can act.

Although I’m probably more racist than I’d like to believe I am, it’s not something I’m working on at the moment. Still, though, it’s a good eye opener on how we jump on the racist bandwagon.

The “What I Know For Sure” essay in vol. 1 iss. 6 hones in on the intentions of giving. Oprah says if you give because you simply want to give, your generosity will be returned to you. Maybe not from where you put your giving energies, but in some way, the favor will be repaid.

It’s an interesting philosophy and a delicate balance to remember. You give because you want to give, not because you want somebody to owe you later. That’s just not the way to do it.

The rest of the piece is about how Oprah gives (all year long, at unexpected times), and how giving small can pack the same punch as giving big (that’s the message here…how that changes with her reality show’s theme of “Give big, or go home,” is kind of interesting). It’s just important to give to others, just as so much has been given to you.

The December 2000 “Breathing Space” picture is a long dock in the Caribbean Sea. There’s a bird standing on the end of the dock, and you see waves rolling in in the distance. The sea is a beautiful turquoise blue, with patches of green where there’s a fair amount of seaweed in the water. The sky is a gorgeous blue, with a scattering of white puffy clouds.

The picture is meant to take your mind off of the weather outside (which also works for Chicago in April), and it’s also meant to calm.

I love water and swimming. If I have a spa treatment, I’ll opt for hydrotherapy whenever possible. The water calms me in a way like nothing else can. It’s optimal that I live by a large lake for that very reason.

I went to college in the middle of Indiana, and the campus had done some research and found that water attracted students to their school, so they built a little pond. It’s interesting that water has that much aesthetic power.

As I sit here in April, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that I’m reading an issue meant for December, which means a fair amount of articles are tied to holiday giving. That’s understandable.

The article “Living Kindness: Pass It On” reminded me that kindness is a great gift to give to anyone at any time of year. In it, there’s a Herman Melville quote that brings home this idea. “We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

The message here is to be kind because at some point your actions will come back to you, and do you want them to be good, or do you want them to haunt you?

Along with a couple of other short essays, there’s a list of 35 “little acts of kindness.” What I like about this list is that a lot of the items on it are things we can teach ourselves to do innately–that that kindness just seamlessly becomes a part of who we are. Things like putting your shopping cart back (or in the corral) when you’re done with it or holding a door open for someone. Those are doable, and they’re also small things that pack a big punch (I think).

Others take a little more effort: writing a thank you letter to an influential teacher, or offering to baby-sit for someone, but we can work toward those, can’t we?

The overall message to me at least is to treat others the way we’d want to be treated, and then perhaps go out of your way to be kinder.

Goodness knows our world needs this kindness right about now.

I’m back on schedule–or back on a schedule–and I’m back to the Oprah Project. I have to say that this is probably around the time I start getting bored with a project and stop working on it, but I’m trying to stick with it and see where this goes. Finishing all the issues may take me longer than I originally intended, but if I can actually can read them, I’ll be a happy camper.

The Oprah celebrity interviews have been hit and miss for me. Oh, they’re usually interesting, but in terms of helping me and my particular issues, I haven’t consistently gotten something out of them. Maya Angelou was right out of the gate with helpful stuff, and even though her life has been massively different–and really more difficult than mine–I can learn so much from her.

Oprah starts out asking her where she got her confidence from. She says it’s love–not the romantic or sentimental kind, but the love that keeps you going, “to make it.” That type of general love kept coming into her life, and she became more confident because of it. I think that’s pretty powerful, and something I tend to forget, because I like to wallow in my own self-pity a lot, which then makes me feel less confident about what I’m doing. It’s this whole crappy cycle that I like to get worked up about at least once a week, and it’s totally counter-productive to my writing work. Seriously. But if I can simply remember that I am loved, then perhaps that will be enough of a kick to get out of the hole I dig myself.

Angelou continues saying that everything she’s experienced–even read–becomes a part of her, and she takes those experiences with her wherever she goes. That helps her have the confidence to walk into a room full of people. “…I will not allow my life to be minimized by anybody’s racism or sexism or ageism. I will not.”

Last weekend I went to a local artists’ conference (lured by a seminar called “Ten Ways to Get Your Shit Together”–thankfully, that didn’t disappoint). There were all these exhibits, and as I walked into the room, tired, caffeine-free, and not knowing what to expect, I immediately ran into a booth with a fellow writer who I actually had something to say to. Of course, I wasn’t prepared for this, and mumbled what sort of things I was working on and didn’t even mention this project (which I should have). Basically I came across as just not much–a dime a dozen, someone who fades into the background. And I managed to repeat this same type of conversation with someone else.

Later in the day, I realized I’d not done a good job of marketing myself, that I hadn’t come across as having confidence in myself and my work. Maybe that’s because I’m used to being modest and not bragging about myself, but I kind of agree with Maya when she has this exchange a little later in the interview:

O: So when you hear someone being modest….

MA: I run like hell. The minute you say to a singer, “Would you sing?” and they say, “Oh, no. I can’t sing here,” I say, “Oops! I wonder, where is that train to Bangkok?”

O: Because?

MA: Because that person is not reliable. She may not know it, but modesty speaks volumes about falseness.

O: Pretending.

MA: Lying.

O: Not being who you really are. Okay, I got it!

Lying about your abilities–maybe not having the confidence to own up to all you can do…I can be accused of that. The funny thing is is that’s the way I was taught to be. Growing up, you did five million things and never bragged about what you could do or admitted how amazing your accomplishments are. You were just a regular person (or a girl, which was worse), and nothing special.

This translates oddly as an adult. I have no concept that my abilities are anything special. I tend to think that with a little gumption, anyone can do what I’ve done.

One day I was sitting at the kitchen table, reading some music. The Boy asked me, “When you look at that, can you hear the tune?”

“Well, yes,” I replied, thinking this was normal behavior, which I bet it is to many musicians. “I don’t have the pitch exactly, but I know how it’ll go.” The Boy doesn’t have that much experience reading music, so he was impressed with this ability. I realized how many people must not know how to read music and think that’s amazing. Even with handbell ringers, you’ll have people who prefer to play either high or low bells because they’re really only comfortable with one clef. Perhaps they played clarinet or something in band and are only familiar with the treble clef. To me, it’s only natural that you should know both. Then I remember that I have a devil of a time reading alto clef, so knowing two clefs isn’t that special.

But I digress. This way of thinking, I suppose, diminishes my talents in my own eyes, and therefore, maybe I don’t give myself or allow myself to have the confidence to be a special and unique person. Does that make sense?

The interview goes on to say a lot more about other topics–racism, being poor, more of her life–but this is really all I can take in at the moment and work on. And I think that’s enough.

The first part of this month’s O List is devoted to your four-legged friends, mainly dogs. I know people spend a lot of money on their pets–and this has been a trend for the past several years–but I just can’t relate. I don’t own any pets because my building doesn’t allow dogs, and I’m not a cat person. So let me just marvel at how it’s possible to spend a fortune on stuff for dogs.

The last part is mainly loungewear, and it’s all out of my budget.  The luxury I can hardly imagine!

• The Company Store pet bed: $103
• Burberry dog sweater: $155
• Fifi & Romeo dog raincoat: $102
• Optima dog picnic hamper: $215
• Parness dog shampoo: $20
• Jim Dratfield’s Petography (professional photography): from $995
• Beastly Furnishings chaise lounge (made to order): $515
• Armand Diradourian pashmina PJs: $700
• Godiva caramel-nut bouchees (chocolate turtles): $33/pound
• Souls Nusuede travel slippers:  $65
• Souls Nusuede travel blanket:  $150
• Lucini Premium Select olive oil with Mary Judge dipping dish:   $25
• Takashimaya faux-fur throw:  $795
• Henri Bendel  The Wizard of Oz snow globe:  $50
• Malo cashmere slippers:  $433
• Malo cashmere baby booties:  $143

Grand total:  $4499 ($5137 today)

Wowsa!  It is a longer list than usual, but even for Christmas gifts, a lot of this stuff is just way out of my reach.  Maybe someday an $800 blanket will be pennies to me.  Maybe.

The two “Something to Think About” questions for this issue (hooray!  Only two!) are around the idea that the to bring change in your life, you first have to be that change, i.e.–if you want more/better friends in your life, you have to be a better friend first.  Give of yourself, and then you’ll receive what you think you need.

1. “Ask yourself:  ‘What do I need more of in my life?’”
   I personally would like more courage and focus.  I want the courage to take the risk and start making queries to publishers to become a more published writer.  Blogging is easy–I write it, I publish it.  Although it can be seen as a risk to “put myself out there,” I don’t see this as super-risky because I won’t reject my writing.  It’s getting approval (and validation) from someone else that scares the crap out of me.  For focus–I just want to be able to set a long-term goal that’s related to my career and achieve it.
2. “Write down how you can begin giving away what you need most in your life.” I suppose that if I want courage, I should encourage others as much as possible (I’m guessing that if I do that, I’ll think, “Well, this isn’t so difficult. I can do it!”  How do I give away focus though?  Focus on others?  That seems a little counter-intuitive.  Shouldn’t I focus on my own life?  What do you think?

Suze Orman is one popular guru–either that, or money problems just plague all of us. She was on Oprah’s show earlier this week talking about the tough times our economy is in and how we can cope. But she’s been talking about these solutions for years–seems like we just don’t want to listen.Sometimes I wonder what the people who write in to advice columnists think about the answers given. Did they follow the advice? Do they even know their question got picked?

Anyhow, I digress. Let’s look at this month’s questions:

Question one: My kid wants to buy me an expensive Christmas present. I wish she’d use her money for herself. What to do, Suze?

Suze says: The important thing to do is to send the message that gifts aren’t measured by how much they cost. Show your kid gifts she’s made for you that you’ve loved. Ask her to remember some Christmas gifts from a few years ago, and if she can’t remember them, then that proves that stuff isn’t a substitute for love [and at this point I'm trying really hard to NOT remember the sheets and towels I got for Christmas my senior year in high school, or the year I got the Wonder Woman doll or the Herself the Elf toys, because they're not that important in the grand scheme of things; my parents' LOVE was the important thing to remember.....yeah....]. Suze also recommends asking your kid to give a little to charity and do some nice things for others to help her learn that there are other types of giving.

Question two: I’m a shopaholic because shopping makes me feel good…but then I get the bills. “How do I give up something I enjoy so much?”

Suze says: Basically, find something you like doing more. This love of shopping only lasts until the bill comes in. “On a deeper level, you value things more than you value money, and that is where the trouble lies.” I think that’s pretty interesting–after all, this person gets the high from shopping, but it’s kind of obvious that there’s a bigger problem when you get the bills for what you’ve bought and you feel guilty. Suze suggests shopping for money: Figure out how much you’re spending on clothes each month (this woman can’t stop buying clothes) and put that money in a box. By the second month, when you want something, you can use the money from the box (voila! No bills at the end of the month! You’ve paid for it already!). However, Suze claims that once you see the money pile up, you’ll want to stop the random spending because you’ll see how much more you really have from not buying stuff. After a few months, you’ll have a nice little chunk of change to invest.

Question three: After I inherited $10,000, my husband and I can’t agree with what we should do with the cash. He wants to pay down the mortgage. I want to take a “once-in-a-lifetime cruise.” Besides, it’s my money, so I should have more say, right?

Suze says: Well, there are a million things you can do with this money, and both of you have taken positions that ALL of the money needs to go to your wish. Before you spend the money, you need to think about a few things, such as, do you have credit card debt? Do you have a six-months-of-living-expenses emergency fund? Do you plan on making any big purchases in the next year or so? If so, use some of the windfall to save for that. Are your retirement accounts fully funded? Do you have college funds for the kids?

Once those are taken care of, THEN you can think about paying off your mortgage early. However, Suze doesn’t advise paying it off in a lump sum. She thinks you should figure out when you want to finish paying your mortgage, then just add extra to your payment to reach that goal.

Lastly Suze says to take whatever’s left of that 10K and invest it. I’m going to quote this phrase because financial advisors would throw around numbers like this, and then the stock market tanked and interest rates went down, and these numbers became implausible: “Let’s say you were about to invest the full $10,000 in a fund and you did not have to pay taxes on the money until you withdrew it. In 20 years, with an annual average rate of return of 11 percent, you’d have about $80,600. Now it’s time for the $10,000 question: Do you want to spend $80,600 of tomorrow’s money for a once-in-a-lifetime cruise today?”

Who’s averaging 11% interest?

Suze finishes up with saying, “There is no such thing as a once-in-a-lifetime anything,” and that you can still have fun when you’re old and retired. Basically, she’s trying to tell the woman to nix the cruise and save up the money so that you’ll see greater cash flow and wealth.

Jill says: I have to chime in here because this answer frustrated me (and it’s not the 11% returns or the 6-months emergency fund—I want to note that because Suze will soon up the number of months you need to have that fund–you definitely hear that you need more today–and it’ll be interesting to see if she explains why you need a longer fund). I know you’re asking a financial advisor, so they’re going to say hold on to the money. However, I am a travel junkie, and I’m all about traveling whenever possible. What if this woman hasn’t had a vacation in five years and sees this as an opportunity to have a trip without taking on any debt? Who says you need to put ALL travel on hold until you’re retired. Even I’ve heard of people who’ve waited until retirement to travel, then BAM! got hit with a disease and travel was out of the question.

My advice would be to take part of the money and invest in for the purpose of taking a cruise or vacation in a year. Then you’re earning interest on it, you can do your travel research, and you can even add to the pot. Maybe don’t take the super-glamorous cruise, but do a reasonable one–or maybe some other type of trip. Life is about experiences too–it’s not only about the money–and I think it’s important to create experiences whenever possible. Use the rest of the money for other investing/paying off debt.

Question four: I’ve been asked to invest in a relative’s startup business, but it doesn’t really sound good to me. How do I say no without upsetting my family?

Suze says: Well, you never know if this business is really going to take off, but you should really go with your gut. Mixing money and family can sometimes lead to money and headaches. What if the business fails? Uncle’s going to feel bad, and you might be upset about the money, and do you want that bad blood? You should be honest with your uncle. She also gives an exception–if you’re debt-free and feel comfortable giving away that much money (and maybe never seeing it again), think about it more as a gift rather than an investment.

A Suze sidebar: Five Wise Year-End Money Moves:

1. If you haven’t done it already, set up that IRA!
2. Figure out the returns on your investments.  If they’re not doing well, you should change the mix next year.
3. Get your paperwork in order so you can file your tax returns ASAP (if you’re expecting a refund)
4. “Act on this important law of money:  You must be responsible to those you love.”  Basically she wants you to think about financial goals for the coming year.  Set them.  Achieve them.   And include things you always keep meaning to do like getting a will.  That sort of thing.
5. Total up your charitable contributions and make sure you’ve been a giving person this year.

December 2000’s Dr. Phil is all about odd male behaviors. Here are the three questions:

1. My husband’s really into internet porn–he’s got friends in sex chat rooms and gets a bunch of porn pictures via e-mail. Is this normal, or is it all right that I’m freaking out about it?
2. My husband has the TV on every time we have sex and sometimes even watches. Why does he do that?
3. My fiance has a 13-year-old daughter with whom he shower/bathes/chats with while getting dressed. Um, this is a really strange way to act, isn’t it?

Maybe you’ve guessed it by now, but all three of these are inappropriate ways to act.

The answers:

1. Yes, you should probably freak out.  He may just be chatting online now, but Dr. Phil says you can basically call that infidelity, and just you wait, he’ll probably try to meet up with this people.  Plus, he’s rejecting you, and you shouldn’t have to stand for that.
2. “Your husband has simply gotten emotionally lazy.”  Turn the TV off, and be insistent about it.
3. In some states this may be considered abuse.  Once kids are about two, there’s no reason to interact with them while they’re naked.  He’s responsible for keeping that behavior going–the kid doesn’t know any better, and she’s probably being psychologically damaged by having this go on.

Whoa.  It’s amazing the questions that come up and the behaviors that people come up with where they think, “This is normal!”  Your husband can’t have sex without the TV on?  Get the TV out of the bedroom!  I’ve had TV’s in the bedroom here and there in my life, but I don’t have one now and don’t really intend to get one because it encourages me to stay awake even longer than I already do.  I mean, it’s a bedroom for a reason.  Keep it for sleeping.

I can’t even think about the last guy who thinks it’s OK for him and his teenage daughter to be naked around each other.  Whoa.  Wait.  What?!  That would totally freak me out if I was going to marry the guy.  At least Dr. Phil gave some good advice and spent a lot of time on the answer (he goes into why this guy’s behavior is exploitative and suggests a lot of therapy for everyone involved).

Dec. 2000’s calendar is all about giving well. Along with the usual inspirational quotes about giving, here are some tasks to think about this month:

• When you’re giving, what are the intentions behind your actions? Are you giving because you want to, or because you feel obiligated? OK, here’s my one beef (I believe with the entire issue, but that remains to be seen). This is an either/or question, and the answer should be “I give because I want to give.” However, if you do feel obligated to give someone a gift, how do you either change those “should” feelings to “I want to give” feelings or get rid of the “shoulds” altogether? This is one area where I feel I need some help, and simply reading, You should give because you want to, not because you have to, doesn’t help me change my mindset and approach at all. Hopefully this will be answered, but I’m honestly not too hopeful.
• “Call your closest friend right now and name one reason you’re happy to have him or her in your life.” It’s on my list (though I would imagine you also need to have a conversation…you can’t just say, “Yo, I’m happy to have you in my life because of x,” and then hang up the phone).
• When you receive a gift or compliment, just say, “Thank you.” Enjoy that feeling. This is a good one–I don’t know if I’ve read it in Oprah or elsewhere or seen it on TV, but women seem to feel like they have to justify compliments. It’s really funny. Someone tells you your shoes are nice, and you immediately launch into how you found them on sale and the great price you got, like you have to justify why you own something so nice. I started to pay attention to my own behavior and started to just say thank you instead of telling the whole story about why I had said item (which can actually get embarrassing at times). Doing that approach has really made me feel better about myself because I don’t need to justify my actions and prove myself worthy.
• Take some time from the holiday hullabaloo to sit back and think about things you’ve received from other people. This doesn’t need to be reserved for December, I think. It’s nice to remember gifts all year round.
• Give the gift of time. Most of us probably don’t need one more thing in our homes, so offer to spend time with someone or do a favor. This is a nice idea, but I have a few hang-ups from it: Remember when you were a kid, and in school you’d make Mother’s Day coupons so that your mom could redeem them for chores?  My mom never redeemed hers.   Then when I was in 8th grade and had to help with our school’s annual auction, a friend and I offered a day of  housecleaning services.  Somebody paid $115 for it and never called us.  It’s frustrating to offer help, have it accepted, then never used.
• “Give a gift to a person who can never repay you–and do it anonymously.”  That could be fun!

It’s nice to see these ideas in a month that’s not December because I think it’s good to remember to give more often than that.