I thought it would be a breeze to blog this issue, but it still took quite a long time. Nevertheless, I’m glad to be continuing on with my goal.

Even though I try to be grateful in my everyday life, I learned from this issue that I can stand to be even more thankful for the goodness I have and experience. I don’t know if I’ll go so far as to keep a gratitude journal, but I’ll at least try to be more mindful of the gratefulness I feel.

I didn’t write about the Elie Wiesel interview or the article about friends (this was writers/well-known people talking about a certain friendship that’s special to them), but that’s because they just heaped more on the “Be thankful for this” pile.

Now that we’re grateful, we can move on to generosity, next month’s theme. Somehow I don’t think it’s a coincidence those two are together. To me, once you’re grateful for something, you’re so happy that you want others to experience the same greatness, so you’re really more apt to give. Plus, this issue is December, so it’s natural to be more giving around the holidays.

On to being generous!

Did you know that Oprah keeps a daily gratitude journal? She’s taken the advice of Sarah Ban Breathnach and writes down at least five things she’s grateful for. They run the gamut from the simple things in life to important things like health. She does this because she believes that when you’re grateful, doors will open and you’ll receive a lot more bounty.

“It’s not easy being grateful all the time,” she writes. “But it’s when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you: perspective.”

It’s nice that Oprah acknowledges how hard it can be to be grateful. She’s just as human as the rest of us, and even though it’s kind of glossed over here, I’m sure she’s had many a bad day. It’s hard to get past the bad days, but even if we can be thankful for a couple of things, life will get better and we’ll learn to see more of the good around us.

The “Breathing Space” photo is always near the back of the magazine.  Why is that?  Is it because you’ve worked through so much already, that you need a break right before the end?  It’s almost in a place where it gets overlooked, and that’s kind of sad to consider.

This month’s picture is of Derwent Water, England. It’s dusk, there’s hills all around the lake, and a mist is rolling in.  It’s quite nice in an eerie kind of way–when the mist rolls in, everything around you is blotted out, and you’re kind of on your own with your thoughts.

One of the articles I thought might be interesting is called “Why Are You Rushing?” by Arlie Russell Hochschild, a sociology professor at Berkeley.  For a minute I thought it would be about slowing down, but the subtitle includes, “What are you chasing after?  And what would it take to make us rest?” Then I realized this article probably wouldn’t help me solve anything, it would just help me identify a behavior (identification of bad behaviors is always important, yes, but after you’ve identified them, you’ve got to move on, right?).

Sure enough, this article is about workaholics and why are people workaholics.  Some are addicted to the adrenaline rush.  Some feel pressure to provide the income at home or support at work.  Some people prefer being at work because they aren’t appreciated at home, that sort of thing.

A couple of interesting points though:  If we work more, we think we’ll be rewarded for it (though I have to say that this was published before 9/11 and when we finally started feeling less loyalty to employers–although there’s the flip side, with fearing losing your job, so you work even more to show your worth).  Not always true.  Plus, overworked people tend to buy things that they’d do, “if they only had time.”  When we surround ourselves with all this gear, (a) we’ve wasted money, and (b) they’re just reminders of what we’d rather be doing, and that can be depressing.

The sidebar talks about how different readers would spend an extra hour, if there were 25 hours in a day.  The introduction says, “If you’re always too busy doing what needs to be done, you can avoid thinking about what you want.  The freedom to choose, it sometimes seems, can be dizzying, too scary to embrace.”  I can identify with this because I’ve spent far too many years doing what I think I should do, or trying to please other people.  You fill up the empty space with stuff–and in this scenario, you can fill empty time with extra work or chores.  Now I’m learning to do what I want to do–I find it takes up more hours of the day.  I certainly don’t accomplish as much as I want to, but I’m much happier and far less stressed out than I used to be.

There are days when I can’t comprehend how much money Oprah must have.  I understand rich, but I can’t wrap my brain around the uber-rich.  I wonder what it’s like to have so much, and I wonder if you fear losing it all.  And by “losing it all,” I mean doing a lot of shopping.  Let me explain further with this month’s O List:

Burberry bag:  $430

Burberry shoes:  $245

Laura Mercier Holiday Set lip compact:  $45

We Live Like This 2:  body lotion–$20, shower gel–$19, soap–$8

Ugg boots:  $165  (Ah, the beginning of the Uggs trend!)

Shaneen Huxham leather gloves:  from $115

PJ’s 2 Go pajamas:  $160

Michaelangelo:  The Sistine Chapel book:  $35

This month’s total:  $1,242 ($1418.24 today)

Back to my uber-rich musing:  Oprah loved the Uggs so much that she bought 320 pairs for her staff.  That cost her $52,800.   In 2000, I believe my annual salary was less than that.  Being able to ever give that much money toward a gift–and this sounded like a random gift–seems like it would totally be impossible to me.  I’d like that situation to change, but I’d also like a glimpse into the financial life of someone who makes way more money than I do, just to see how they function.

On the flip side, I know that when I had a regular paycheck, there were ways I acted financially that would make somebody who earned less than me wonder how I did it.  Most of that involved eating out a fair amount or being more generous at Christmas (or taking vacations, which I won’t be doing for a while).

Still though, what’s it like to be so wealthy?  It must be fun to not have to bat an eyelash to buy these things, but having everybody and their brothers ask you to donate to every cause would be really tiring.

Suze Orman is back to readers’ questions about money woes!

Question 1: My husband spends a ton of money on gadgets. I’d like to spend money too, but I don’t. How do I approach him without nagging?

Suze says: Your husband may have an emotional need that he’s trying to fix by acquiring stuff. Here’s a lousy part of our consumer culture: It says we are our possessions, and if you have a problem, you can simply buy something to fix it (what our culture doesn’t say though, is that this approach doesn’t really work because it turns into a vicious cycle of continually buying things we don’t really need). Suze also looks at the questioner’s anger (another reason I like Suze!) because this woman has the same impulses to spend, so maybe there’s something emotional that she needs as well.

Ultimately, Suze says the best way to deal with your anger is to change your course. Don’t fixate on his spending–start your own savings account. You save, you’ll be happier (and maybe more financially stable), and maybe your husband will even join you. I think it’s the whole “stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself” philosophy. Change yourself, and the bigger picture may turn rosier.

Question 2: I’ve gotten a job offer that pays a lot more, but the job itself is a little riskier. “How should I make my decision?”

Suze says: Well, Jill is going to talk first. It’s November 2000 (and presumably, the question is a bit older than that), so I’m guessing it’s a .com job. Tons of cash, but the thing made implode at any time. It’s an interesting question to which Suze says, “There’s an important distinction between a calculated risk and a reckless gamble.” This goes for investing (don’t put all your eggs in one basket), and it goes for your job too. This person may be getting a great opportunity that could really turn into something, or this person may get stuck at either a crappy job, or lose the job pretty quickly.

She does point out that when thinking about a job switch, you should think about how many people does your income have to support; do you have enough cash to see you through a few months in case the new job goes bust; what sorts of benefits and future payoffs are you giving up for the new job; are the new employers giving you a bunch of empty promises; and what does your gut say. It’s a lot to think about, but good advice.

Question 3: Do I need life insurance?

Suze says: OK, I’m going to talk again first because Suze actually says a product is bad. I have to quote her: “In my opinion, whole life [insurance] is, in most cases, one of the biggest rip-offs around.” Wow! Concrete advice that says, no, don’t get this product!

The actual answer is a bit longer than that quote, of course, and is mostly, “It depends.” You should look at what your family’s needs are, and if you weren’t there to bring in the money, would they be able to survive all right. If they could (i.e.–there’s plenty of savings), then you probably don’t need it. If things would be really tight/compromised, then life insurance might be for you.

She does explain life insurance a bit and even has a sidebar on figuring out how much life insurance you actually need (and can afford). You have to think about what you want the life insurance to do first (just cover expenses or provide income for a long time), and then you can figure out where to buy it.

Last question!  We go out to dinner with these friends, and they always spend way more than we do, then just want to split the check.  “This makes me feel resentful, but I’m afraid to speak up.  What should I do?”

Suze says:  Take a look at why you’re resentful.  Are we talking a couple of bucks because they got a more expensive dish, or do they order many courses while you can’t?  Are you angry because you can’t afford to eat out like your friends can?  Is the place you’re going to out of your range in the first place (and if so, don’t go there–if they’re that good of friends, you should be able to say either we can’t afford this restaurant, or suggest a place you can afford)?

Suze also mentions that it’s funny that the subject of money is so taboo–we’ll gladly talk about all sorts of personal information, but we clam up about money.  In this case, she advises that maybe if you admit a place is too expensive for you, it will show that you’re careful about your money, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about being careful with your money.

I do kind of want to know the full story on this question.  What’s the view from the other people’s side?  A few times every year, a couple of friends and I get together to celebrate each other’s birthdays.  The birthday girl chooses the restaurant, and it’s usually a fairly basic sit-down place.

However, the three of us have very different financial situations.  One has no children, and she and her husband both work at regular jobs.  I just gave up my job, which means for me I have to be a bit more careful about what I spend.  The third girl has three kids, and her husband has a decent job, but I’m guessing it’s not the best-paying job–we’re talking around the statistical median, I’d think.  She does a little work at home to  supplement things, but I know that going out is a luxury.  However, she’s also always been a big saver and shops on sale, with coupons, etc., so I don’t really know the situation.

The Boy and I have various sets of friends with whom we can just split the bill.  We go out often enough and the bill usually comes out even enough for us not to deal with.  It’ll even out in the end, and if someone orders way more expensively, we’ll adjust for that.

With these friends we do the who-owes-what add-up.  My friend with the kids will order cheaply pay exactly what she owes, plus a 15% tip.  I understand that she’s on a tight budget, but I usually end up paying a few bucks extra than what I’d normally owe because we do end up staying at our table 2-3 hours (even if they need the table), and the waitress does a lot of running for beverages for us.  I like to tip over 20% in these cases to make up a little bit for the lost tip.  So, Suze, if you’re reading this, how would you deal with this situation?  I don’t mean to make my friend feel bad about her money situation, but I also feel that my tip shows my gratitude for the service, and in cases like this, I think we should be extra-grateful for the good service.  How do I teach this to my friend?

[and hey, do I get bonus points for weaving this issue's theme into my question?]

It’s another article written to me:  Jill, you envying fool!  Well, OK, not really, but here’s another one that applies to what I sometimes feel is my pretty pathetic psyche.   Envy does you no good.

Yes, I have a problem with envy.  There are days where nothing is working–people can travel more, do more, be more, have more, than it seems I can.  And then I waste a bunch of time comparing myself to these people and make myself feel worse in the process.  By the time I’m done with the petty pity party, it’s time to go to bed, and I’ve done nothing to further myself in my goals.  Brilliant, eh?

This short article is quite helpful in helping me to quell the envy.  Writer Veronica Chambers explains that pretty much everyone envies someone or is the object of envy, and you shouldn’t pretend that we all don’t.  However, if you examine why you’re envious, you may learn more about what you want for your own life.  Thank goodness there’s a silver lining to this black cloud!

Chambers writes that envy is worse than jealousy because you feel that someone else has something that you deserve, and you start resenting that person and competing with her.  Envy is totally capable of trashing relationships in this way.  Your friend has success, and you feel threatened by it.

So how do you fix your envy?  Sometimes you just have to get past it because there are things you might be envious of, but you’ll never be able to change (your height, your eye color), so you have to learn how to get over it and get on with more positive thoughts.

You can also look at your envy and see what it’s telling you about yourself.  Do I envy someone because they’ve published more than I have?  Sometimes yes, but I’ve learned to start figuring out why I haven’t.  Here’s an example:   I love Jen Lancaster’s writing.  She’s a blogger, who’s managed to get published because of her blog.  Her third book is coming out soon (and I’m looking forward to reading it).  However, I tend to think I write just as well as she does, and I’m just as funny, so why don’t I have the readership and the  big book deals?  I should be putting in 10 hour days working on edits, thank you!

Well, um, after I think about the situation for a couple of seconds, I realize Jen has probably gotten where she has because she’s spent hours putting together solid book proposals and selling them.  And where are my book proposals?  Still figments of my imagination (and very small figments at that).  So that’s when I start thinking I need to get off my high horse and get to work.  If I actually worked harder, I’m sure I could get to where she is.

Chambers also writes that instead of being envious, you can try being generous.  I actually had a generous moment a few months ago, when my friend Carl got a really good job.  The amazing thing was that I was shocked that I didn’t feel my usual envy, which is both sad that I am so stinkin’ envious and good that I was getting out of the envy trap.  It’s hard to do, but I think as I move toward the life I want, it’s easier to be more generous and less envious.  And really, that’s the type of person I’d rather be.

Barbara Graham wrote an interesting article for this issue about being a worrier and how that life strategy doesn’t really work.  I identified with it because my mother is a proud worrywart.  Drives me nuts.  The Boy also worries–but he’s actually gotten a million times better over the years, so that, although a bit worrisome to me, is more of a relief.

Graham talked about how her worrisome ways really ended up hindering her own life.  She wouldn’t go outside and play because she was a hypochondriac.  She ended up with the mindset that if she worried enough, bad things wouldn’t happen–which she figured out wasn’t really true, because bad things do happen, and several happened to Graham all in a row.

These accidents helped her to see that her little superstition didn’t work, things she was afraid of rarely happened, and the worrying also kept her from enjoying life.   After she realized this, she began to slowly change her ways.  The “slow” part is key–as of this writing, she wasn’t totally cured, but she was getting better, which is a good thing at least!

You know what bugs me about the worrying?  Sometimes I feel there’s a lack of trust in me–as if I don’t know to look both ways before crossing the street (my parents told me to do this well into adulthood), and not being trusted for really no good reason is really frustrating and, in my opinion, will do more to harm it than the worrying does to help it.

Gratitude?  Thy name is only two “Something to Think About” questions this week!  The point is to dwell on all the things you can be thankful about.  If you’re grateful, you open yourself up to even more good things (hey, what goes around, comes around), and you start spreading the joy to others.

1.  “Ask yourself:  What are the good things in my life that I’m overlooking?”   Personally, I tend to assume I’ll have decent shelter, plenty of food, and clothes on my back.  I’m pretty glad I have those.  I’m probably also overlooking some basics about myself:  I’m glad I’m curious and like to read and have a sense of humor and and an imagination.  Overall though, there are many days when I realize how lucky I am.  I could just as well have been born someone else with a totally different (and worse) life.

2.  “Each day for a month, write down one reason you’re thankful  for your mate or closest friend.  At the end of the month, give him or her the list.“  Since I don’t have a month, I’m going to pass on this one.  Maybe I’ll write one out on my own (but I’m not really motivated to…I tend to tell the Boy how much I’m happy to have him–and he does the same for me–in little ways all the time).

Dr. Phil this month has three questions about fighting, which seems a little at odds with the issue’s theme, though I suppose you wouldn’t ask Dr. Phil how you can be more grateful.

The first questioner wonders if constantly arguing with your partner means your relationship is in trouble.  Dr. Phil says that “arguing is not necessarily negative.  A common myth among couples is that the only great partnership is a peaceful one.”   He goes on to say that if you’re holding back feelings so that you don’t fight, that’s just as harmful to the relationship.  You should also look at your arguments and see if they’re helping or hurting your relationship.  He also gives some guidelines for fair fighting (don’t drag others into your problems, stay on point, get to what’s really bothering you, don’t be cruel, find a workable solution, if you win, don’t rub it in, and don’t immediately resort to ultimatums because not every argument should put your relationship on the line.

Question two is more about rage–a woman’s husband constantly yells at her.  She’s not the target of his rage, but she’s stuck taking the blows.  Dr. Phil says that it’s OK for the husband to have a bad day at work, but he definitely shouldn’t take his frustrations out on the wife.  So, take an hour (at least) and talk to him about this, and be sure not to blame yourself for his rage.  Figure out a plan so that he can identify and learn to control his rage.  If he’s not on board, try professional help.  Basically though, the wife shouldn’t be a doormat for this type of behavior because it will be detrimental to the relationship in the long run.

Lastly, Dr. Phil’s asked if it’s bad to fight in front of the kids.  Well, if you’re yelling and cussing each other out in front of them, yes, that’s bad.  But you can’t hide your anger so that your kids don’t see any disagreement either.  Just keep it in moderation–let your kids see hurt and frustration, but you don’t need to start the next big shouting match to prove a point.  Also, once an argument is over, your kids need to see you resolve the argument so that they don’t worry about you fighting all the time.

That’s an interesting point–I hadn’t realized that kids might see their parents disagree but never see the “everything’s OK” moment.  Important stuff to keep in mind if I ever have kids.