Well, I’m finished with another issue.  Yes, I skipped more articles–improve your body image was one.  This involves looking in a mirror and complimenting ten specifics about your body.  Repeat with your personality because apparently if you believe how good you are, you’ll carry yourself better.  I’m not sure I need to work on the body image bit because I can look in the mirror and think I’m OK–a bit fat, yes.  But when I get on the scale, I usually can’t believe I weigh as much as I do.

I also skipped talking about the “take more naps” article, probably because I decided to take a nap instead.

Overall though, this issue gives me more to think about and work on.  Although I have some confidence, I need to be more confident in my writing and know that if I keep working, I’ll get that break.  That’s the main thing to work on here.  I guess I’ll add it to the list.  I also need to stop reading these articles that talk to women who are in not-so-good relationships and wonder if they’re talking to me.  I am in a good relationship and I know it.  I don’t need to start second-guessing that!

I wonder if these issues will stop feeling so heavy at some point.  It sure would feel nice to think that I don’t have more to work on!

Remember when the Texas cattle ranchers sued Oprah for supposedly defaming the beef industry?  Well, Oprah’s “What I Know For Sure” column this month talks about that episode in her life.  She didn’t really understand why this was happening, and even though she believes everything happens for a reason, she couldn’t quite figure out what this was supposed to teach her.

And then she went on the stand.  The prosecuting attorney tried to paint a picture of Oprah that made her out to be a manipulator as she conspired against the beef industry.  As she listened, she “got very still inside” and told herself that the words they said didn’t define her accurately.  Then she realized what she was supposed to learn:  “I realized that whether you’re on trial or you’re going through a trial–difficulty, pain, illness, heartache–the trial stands outside of you, flailing, ranting and raging, trying to tell you who you are.”

She goes on to say that nobody can tell you who you are–you alone can define yourself.  You just have to trust that who you are is OK and that no matter what happens, you’ll be just fine.

October 2000’s “Breathing Space” picture is really nice.  You see a white, high-backed bench through a series of trellises covered with ivy.  The ivy on the trellis in the foreground has turned red with the season.

I love fall–October is my favorite month.  The air is crisp, it’s usually sunny, the leaves turn beautiful colors.  Somehow, as plants are dying or closing up shop for the year, I feel a sense of renewal.  It’s nice to feel that new beginning going into winter and the holidays because it puts me in the mood to celebrate.

This picture helps me feel that calming renewal.  This feature’s really working for me this month!

In the “Healthy 4 2000″ section of Vol. 1, Iss. 4, Bob Greene, Oprah’s fitness guru, writes an article about emotional eating and how to get a handle on it.  Perhaps if I’d paid attention 7 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to spend a bunch of money going to a weight loss center (though, I’ll be honest with myself–I love what the weight loss center has done for me, and it’s been much more effective for me than going it alone).

The key to this article can be summed up with this sentence:  “Overcoming emotional eating isn’t about depriving yourself; it’s about comforting yourself in a way that helps relieve the real problem.”

Greene uses the pie chart technique here (didn’t I just think about pie charts?)–make a circle on a piece of paper and make wedges for different areas of your life (like work, family, health, etc.).  Then cross off the ones you think are going well.  The parts of your life that aren’t going well or are particularly stressful are potentially causes of emotional eating–and by “emotional” Greene says it’s both eating too much and also not eating at all because of stress.  He believes both of those are equally as harmful.

To help rein in emotional eating, Greene recommends paying attention to what triggers your eating or lack of eating.  Then you’ll be able to see what areas of your life need fixing so that you don’t automatically reach for the chips or ice cream.  When you know you’re working toward a goal, you can see how the eating can distract you from reaching that goal, and that will supposedly start getting you focused on your goals rather than the eating.

Greene notes that you may slip up–and that’s normal to do–but you should see that as a learning experience and try to improve in the future.

Do I eat emotionally?  Yes, of course I do.  I’m a good 25 pounds overweight, so there is emotional eating at play somewhere in there.  I’m big on eating with friends, eating to keep up with the Boy (the tall and skinny type).  This article is useful because it reminds me to think about when/why I eat.  Mainly though, I do need to listen to my body and eat when it wants something.  Of course, it’s starting to growl right now.  Why, I don’t know because I ate a good breakfast about 2.5 hours ago (Kashi cereal, banana–lots of protein and fiber).  How can I possibly be hungry now?  Oh well, I’m going to think about it before I actually eat anything.  Luckily, I’m off to work out, so I can’t eat much before I go.

Thank goodness for The O List to take all the heaviness away! I’ve skipped over a few articles I thought about mentioning–a Sally Field essay where she talks about career transitions and being afraid and sometimes you just have to take that first little step, and the rest kind of works itself out.

I also skipped talking about an article where a life coach helped three women with total life makeovers. It was interesting to see examples of everything that’s been said before: What do you want to do? What are you doing? Are there smarter moves you could be making to really get yourself to where you want to be? (and get the distractions out of your life–and don’t create new ones!). It was nice to see some concrete examples of how to put these ideas into place.

Oprah also had an “A ha moment” right before she recommended these items. It was about when she auditioned for “The Color Purple,” hadn’t heard, and decided the director didn’t want to cast her because of the way she looked, so she tried to lose a bunch of weight. While trying to lose weight, she realized she couldn’t make someone want her, so it didn’t matter if she got the part. She would still be OK. That was the a ha moment: Self-worth isn’t defined by “outside circumstances” and others’ expectations. Try your best, and that’s enough.

But why talk about all of this helpful stuff when we can go shopping? How about buying:

• Takashimaya linens: $25 each
• Lands’ End cashmere robe: $325
• Merrell after-sport shoes: $65
• Takashimaya hand-blown glasses: $58 each
• Laurent du Clos walnut mustard: ~$6
• Williams-Sonoma wine opener: $139
• M&R Trading Company “The Little Colored Girls” plates: $260 for a set of four

This month’s total: $878 ($1003 today).

I’ve got to say though, that the Merrell shoes are money well-spent. I adore Merrell’s–they’re comfortable and give my feet a lot of support (I have some pronation problems and need lots of support). And the wine opener–this was when they first started coming out and were all the rage. Now I think they’re a lot cheaper.

I don’t want to do the “Something to Think About” questions.  I’m tired of them.  Only four issues in, and I’m tired of the constant self-examination.  Though, now that I look at these, I suppose they aren’t too bad:

1. “Think of the person you trust the most.  How has he or she earned your confidence?”  Well, by being honest with me.  Listening to me.  Allowing me to be who I am?  Pushing me to be my best.
2. “What can you do to earn your own trust?”  Stop second-guessing myself.
3. “Jot down five significant ways you could show your best friend that you value her.  Right now, plan how you will do all five of those things for yourself by the end of the year.”  Think of something fun/different to do to take my mind off of certain problems.  Making her dinner.  Sending a card just to say hi [though doing that for myself seems kind of weird.  Oh, look!  I got mail!  From me!].  Oh, I don’t know what else–the point of this is that you should value yourself, and I do value myself.  I just am a bit insecure.  I guess I should keep telling myself to move forward, keep working.  At some point talent, luck, and hard work will combine and I’ll realize my dreams.

Yeah, I guess that wasn’t so difficult after all.

Issue 4 has a long Oprah-penned article about the Personal Growth Summits she held in the summer of 2000.  Did you go?  I didn’t, but this article summing them up a bit might help me.

Oprah says she believes, “the universe dreams a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself.” It’s up to you to figure out what your calling is and do it–and the key is that it doesn’t have to be your job.  You can be a good friend or a supportive partner, but you have to believe this is your calling.

It’s weird as an American to think of your calling not being your job.  Our society is so wrapped up in what we do for a living that it’s difficult to contemplate anything else being worthy of being a calling.  But so be it.

I myself believe I’m supposed to be a writer–communicate feelings through words, connect with and entertain people.   So OK, now what, Oprah?

Write a mission statement.  What?  Really?  According to Oprah, she thinks having a mission statement will help you on the path to who you want to be.  You don’t need to follow it to the tee, but having one will help you see “that there are behaviors you will accept and many you won’t.”  You’ll set standards for yourself that you can then use to decide how to fulfill your calling.

Part of following your calling is getting rid of “the disease to please.”  Another reminder (though I think this one needs to be beaten into my head until I finally get it)!  Pleasing others can make you feel overwhelmed, and it also allows them to define you.  To change that and be your own person, you need to examine the intention behind your actions and make sure you’re doing something (e.g.–a favor) because you want to do it?

Focus is also another key to fulfilling your life’s work.  That makes sense–focus on what you want to do, and after a while you become that type of person.  If every day I create a lot of dishes to wash, I’m going to become more of a dishwasher than a writer, so I have to make sure I keep writing, even on days like today where I’m just not feeling it (and I’m feeling more like you’re saying, “Yep, I don’t know where she gets this whole ‘writer’ idea….this stuff is pretty lame!”).  Soon something will click and I’ll get there.  I’ve got to believe that.

The last page of the article has a box of homework on it.  Great.  More fucking work to do on myself (today I’m also feeling like, “How much do I have to change?  How much is really wrong with me?”).  Here’s what we’re supposed to do:

1. “Write down the major beliefs that have shaped your life.”  There is a God.  Education is everything.  Books open up your world.  Try it–you might like it.  Explore!
2. Do you have any shadow beliefs–things that hold you back like “hidden memories” or “something you heard in childhood”–that continue to plague you to this day?  What are they?  Gosh, there has to be something…there’s a general feeling of insecurity, and I think that comes from being told what to do instead of learning how to make my own choices.  I have this general feeling of, “Am I doing this right?  Is this OK?”
3. What is your calling?  To be a writer.
4. At some point you’re going to have to give up something in order to be able to move ahead (e.g.–your temper, bad attitude, a bad relationship).  What do you need to give up?  Can you start giving it up now?  Focusing on my perception of others.  Letting what happens to others affect my focus, my calling, and my path in life.
5. “What’s important to you?”  Here you’re supposed to make a pie chart and divide it into at least five categories of how you spend your time.  Give time to each area every day and you’ll see a change.  “Whatever you focus on expands.”
6. Write down the names of three people who lift you up and one person you need to remove from your life.  “What will it take for you to do it?”  I’m going to keep this one private.  I doubt anyone would like to hear that I need them out of my life, and if I saw a friend’s list of three people who lifted them up and I wasn’t on it, well, I’d be a little bummed out.  (I know–I don’t need other people to tell me I’m nice/cool, but in my fragile, repair-myself state, I also don’t need to see if I’m not cool)
7. “Cultivating gratitude is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Write down five things that you’re grateful for today.”  That I could quit my job to focus on my writing.  A good husband.  A roof over my head and plenty to eat.  Wonderful friends.  The ability to dance.

I’ll work on that mission statement and get back to you on it.  I’m not thrilled about doing it, but I should at least try it, seeing as how my old ways haven’t been so successful.

One of the “Live Your Best Life” articles is called “Tune in to Yourself ” by Barbara Graham. I originally hadn’t planned on writing about it because the first part is a story on how the author should’ve listened to her gut and not married this guy she divorced a year after the wedding. I figured I’d already waited for the right guy, I’d gotten fairly good at listening to my gut, so this one wouldn’t be helpful.

Well, I wasn’t exactly wrong, but it does have a few pointers that wouldn’t hurt me to remember. The author writes that when we’re babies we know what we do and don’t like, but as we grow up, we tend to start pleasing other people and looking for approval a lot more. The danger of that is doing what I did–a job that other people wanted me to get.

Graham includes a quote from Eupictetus: In trying to please other people, we lose our hold on our life’s purpose.” That happened to me. I listened to other people and lost focus of my own goals and purposes, and life wasn’t so great. Now I need to trust myself more in my work and my writing and make choices that are appropriate for me.

Florence Falk, a Manhattan psychotherapist who’s quoted extensively in the article says, “Self-trust take enormous courage. Ultimately, it means taking responsibility for your own life.” To me, that’s a pretty powerful lesson. Do I feel lame learning it at age 35? Yes. But it’s never too late to learn, and now that I’m working for me, the first priority is for me to be happy doing what I’m doing.

I’ve been asked to help out a local news site by contributing a story. This is unpaid work, but I’d get a byline. The question for me is whether or not I still want to do this. Should I only be doing work for pay? If I don’t really want to do journalistic-type writing, should I really be spending time covering a community meeting? I’m still working on the answer, which may be a hybrid of no hard news, but I’ll write a review of something for the byline. It’s kind of a tough decision to make because I really have to trust that I can make a living by doing the type of writing I want to do. I don’t want to feel like I have to please these people simply because they asked me to write something that’s not along my lines of what my goals are. That’s the tough bit–trying not to please. I’ll come up with an answer though, and I’ll try to think of myself and my goals first.

This month Suze Orman doesn’t take reader questions.  Instead, she writes about 12 things that can break your budget.  She understands when people try to budget and then wonder where the heck all their money went.  Here are Suze’s budget breakers:

1.  “Clothing bought on sale.”  Maybe you’re thinking, “What???  But I got a deal!”  Suze’s point here is that if you aren’t planning on buying clothes, but you’re tempted to spend because there’s a sale, then you’ve spent money you didn’t mean to (not to mention the question of really needing the clothes).
2. “A kitchen cupboard filled with unused gizmos.”  Are you really using all the kitchen gadgets and electronics that take up space on the counter?  If not, clear them out!
3. “A messy desk.” (call me guilty….it’s cleaner, but not fully neat)  Financially, Suze says that if you have a messy desk with stacks of unopened bills and papers and catalogs, it’ll just make you feel anxious (I can attest to that).  Suze believes that “paperwork represents money” and you should “show respect for yourself, for your money and for others by facing that clutter, not hiding from it.”
4. “Your well-stocked refrigerator.”  Do you end up buying a lot of food, only to throw it out because it spoiled before you could get to it?  That’s just wasting money–Suze says maybe even $1000/year.  She recommends going to the store every 8 days instead of once a week, and on that 8th day, use up what’s in your fridge.  You’ll make fewer trips to the store and save some money.
5. “Your morning cup of coffee.”  Oh, look!  My favorite money-saving tip!  Cut back on the fancy coffee drinks!  (I don’t drink coffee, so this one is pretty worthless to me)
6. “Unopened statements for your retirement.”  If you don’t pay attention to what’s going on with your retirement money, you’re messing up your future.
7. “A bathroom cabinet filled with abandoned shampoos, hair gels, creams , lipsticks and nail polish.”  Suze treats the bathroom like the fridge:  Use it or get rid of it!  She recommends trading products with friends with it’s hygenically safe to do so.  Even if it’s an almost-full bottle that you’re not using and you don’t want to use or toss it, you should toss it, no matter how guilty it makes you feel.  That way you know what throwing money away feels like.
8. “That mason jar brimming with spare change.”  Suze doesn’t like the change jar because that money isn’t working for you.  Get it in the bank and make it earn some interest, or put it against your credit card debt!   Me?  My change jar isn’t that big, it takes forever to fill, and I get it in the bank once it’s full.  That way it’s somewhere around $30, which makes me feel like I have some cash there.  Bringing it in when it’s not full makes me feel like I’m stressing about money too much.
9. “A big bag of freshly dry-cleaned clothes.”  Basically, this one asks if you really need to dry clean your clothes so often.  Try pressing them yourself and see if you can stretch the wear.
10. “A credit card with perks that go to waste.”  If you’re racking up points and miles and never use them, either don’t bother having that card, or switch to one that gives you a reward you want to have.
11. “Too many toys in the playroom.”  Keep only the toys your kids play with.  This actually will help kids learn about money because it shows that you should spend money only on the things you value.  [I don't have kids, so this tip also doesn't help me, but I've heard/read about the crazy amounts of toys children have.  Now, I had a good amount of toys growing up, but it sounds like things have gotten totally out of control.  Is that true?]
12. “A tax refund check.”  Are you getting a huge refund?  You just gave our country your money, and you don’t get any interest!  You should think about changing the number of allowances on your W-2.  Me?  I like to get a little bit of a refund.  Not $2000 or anything that big, but a little money back is nice because that means we don’t have to suddenly scrape together money to pay the IRS.  [and, admittedly, if I'm getting a little bit back, I feel like I've helped the country with the budget deficit by loaning them the money for a while].  Suze probably wouldn’t like my attitude, but it works for me, and since I’m saving anyway, I’m OK with bending this one.

Finally, there’s a sidebar on “The Biggest Budget-Wrecker.”  Know what it is?  Too strict of a budget.  You know you’ll have fixed payments every month, but some months you’re going to have some unexpected outlays, and other months you’ll have nothing.  If you have some give and take with your budget, you won’t be so frustrated if you can’t stick with it.

Also, plan your budget yearly, rather than monthly.  Take what you spend on Christmas and spread that over 12 months.  Same goes for any yearly memberships, subscriptions, etc.  That way you’ll be prepared for these big outlays that you know are coming.

After only four issues, I’m starting to get a little bored of Dr. Phil.  There’s yet another question about spousal trust, another question about spousal respect, and another question about balancing friendships.  The spousal trust topic has been talked about in three of the first four issues.  Dr. Phil only answers three questions an issue, so trust is either a big issue with readers, or Dr. Phil can answer it easily.

Since nothing here seems new or relevant to me, I’m not going to explore Dr. Phil’s column much deeper.