In my attempts to survive alongside a similarly-themed blog, I’ve used O Magazine to build up my self-esteem a little bit. Now I’m going to look at the “Excellence” issue (December 2003) to challenge myself to produce good work–the best I can. Then I’ll look at “Success” (September 2001) to see how I can make my excellent work translate to dollars in the wallet (as a new writer, the dollars in the wallet are currently very few).

In her “Here We Go” column on this topic, Oprah encourages excellence, being extraordinary rather than just sufficient.  We shouldn’t try to simply get through the day/week/month, we should try to be better. In my last job I felt a lot of, “If I can just get through the week, I’ll be OK,” which isn’t a great feeling when you have a decent education under your belt, you’re getting paid, and you can travel/do a lot of things with your money.

Now that I’m writing full-time, I do feel a longing to wanting to be better.  It’s up to me to be the best writer I can be, and I don’t really want to be just sufficient–I want to be good, to push myself to be right up there with the best.

Will this issue give me any tips to get me there?

In the last column of the self-esteem issue (March 2001), Oprah tells a story from her childhood when she went way over the top on a book report, and was publicly acknowledged in class by her teacher.  The teacher went on to say that everyone should put in as much effort as Oprah did.  Needless to say, the kids in the class weren’t happy with Oprah and taunted her for a bit, saying things like, “She thinks she’s so smart.”

Oprah writes that this kind of behavior followed her through adulthood, and she felt like she had to appease others, even if it meant she lost that inner glow you get from doing a good job.  She eventually decided (apparently in the late 1990s) to “stop apologizing for my accomplishments.  I came to realize that there’s no way to satisfy such critics.  People who don’t feel great about themselves feel even worse when those around them do well.  When they say, ‘Who does she think she is?’ what they really mean is ‘How dare she exceed my expectations of who I think she should be?’”

It’s interesting to think of self-esteem as not being defined by what others think of you.  If you want to succeed, you should try and do your best.  Don’t let everyone else bring you down to their level.  Know what you believe, what you want to be, and don’t settle.  Pretty powerful stuff, I think.  Oh, it’s hard to do–especially if you’re constantly looking for approval–but it can be done.

Instead of doing one O Interview this month, Oprah talks to four different women (“phenomenal women”) about self-esteem: Toni Morrison, Gloria Steinem, Christiane Amanpour, and Marion Jones. It’s interesting to have the four different takes–these women aren’t psychological experts, but they are successful, and being successful does take a bit of self-esteem. You’ve got to believe in yourself to do great things….well, and maybe take steroids.

[Oh, I know--Oprah had no clue that Marion Jones was using illegal substances, but after the way she lit into James Frey for stretching the truth in his memoir, Marion would be smart to stay far away from Oprah's show when she gets out of prison.]

Oprah picked these four women because she feels they are all women who are “in full possession” of themselves. They’ve figured out who they were meant to be and became that person–and they did so not getting bogged down in what other people thought of them. Let’s see what they all have to say about self-esteem.

Toni Morrison: She says she really can’t define self-esteem, but she does say she feels like nobody is the boss of her (and personally, I think that’s part of it. If you feel you have to measure up to someone else’s standards, then someone else is the boss of you, no?). Another good quote:

This is life–this is it. If you want to make it trifling, that’s a choice. That makes me sound glib, but life doesn’t come here in a little package marked HERE’S YOUR WORTHY LIFE. GO GET HAPPY. It comes with seom intricate, interesting work to be done. At some point between 6 and 13, you have to either wake up or put yourself to sleep. And everthing is designed to encourage spiritual and mental sleep. You shut down and start buying stuff.

Morrison comes across as kind of a tough love/don’t wallow in yourself person, and after reading the Constructive Living article, I’m a little inclined to be tougher on myself. OK, I get to wallow a short bit, but pick up and move on because I know I’m OK.

In regards to my feeling this project isn’t “as good” as Living Oprah’s (she’s living Oprah for 1 year), I can’t really think about that. And lately I haven’t been. I’ve been focused on making progress with this project, sending out queries for other articles I want to write, trying to meet people. And that makes me feel much better than curling up on my bed crying that LO got herself another radio interview.

What does Gloria Steinem have to say? She defines self-esteem as:

“valuing the self, but it’s also having a sense of self-authority. It’s not just a feeling; it’s also an ability–and nothing works without it. I find it useful to think of two kinds of self-esteem: One is core self-esteem, the feeling that you are a good person.” (this is basically how you were raised–did your parents love you and all that good stuff) “The other kind is situational self-esteem, which comes from comparing your skills to others’ skills and from being effective in the world. If you don’t have core self-esteem, you can get hooked on situational self-esteem as if it were a drug. But no amount of money or accomplishment is ever big enough because you are lacking at your core.”

So, Gloria, are you saying that if your folks didn’t love you enough when you were a kid, are you basically screwed out of half of your self-esteem as an adult? Because it really sounds like you can’t get that core self-esteem back once it’s gone, the way you’re explaining it.

Needless to say, I’m not liking what Steinem has to say. I’m woefully unknowledgeable about the women’s rights movement, especially in the 1970s. She starts to talk about having self-authority, and I can’t quite figure out how that’s different from self-esteem, but no matter how I read it, it sounds like you can get away with blaming someone else for your crappy life, rather than figure out how to make it better, giving yourself a better self-image.

Maybe reporter Christiane Amanpour has something good to say!

Actually, what I like about her is that here she sounds human, but can describe herself very concisely. She has fear, yet she tries to manage it so she can work. Oprah points out that most people don’t go into war zones the way she does, and Amanpour concedes that; however, she tries to stretch herself because you don’t really know what you’re capable of doing until you try. On self-esteem, she says:

It’s something that you grow up to recognize. I define it as knowing who I am, what I’m about, where I fit into the universe, and feeling comfortable and good about myself.

Nice and to the point. She also admits that she has low periods, just like anyone else, and she doubts herself sometimes, but that actually helps her “concentrate my mind and propel me in the direction that I knew I wanted to go.” Overall, an interesting and helpful thought.

So can Marion Jones add anything to this discussion? Not really. Not knowing what we know now. It’s ironic to read that she’s proud of the woman she’s become, and “I’m proud of the woman I am going to become.” What does she think of herself now? Did she really think like this back in 2001, or was she just acting? It’s really kind of sad.

Overall though, after reading this I feel a bit more grounded, more sure of myself. And with every article I read and every entry I write, I feel more sure of myself, who I am, and what I’m doing.

The “Something to Think About” questions usually paralyze me, and lately there have only been a couple per issue. This time there’s FIVE. I dread these, mostly because I don’t want to sit down and think about them [you're actually supposed to rip out the page and make your own workbook--has anyone out there done that?]. Especially during this month, when the questions seem to be geared toward people who don’t know what their dreams and goals are. But I’ll answer them–maybe I will come up with something useful.

1. When you think about changing yourself, what would you focus on first? Once you’ve changed, what kind of person would you be? How would your change affect the world? “Write an imaginary news headline or press release announcing the event.” The headline/press release writing sounds like an activity you have to do at an office team building event. I’m so skeptical about this.  But here goes:  “Area Woman Gains Confidence, Gets Great Gig”  You know, I have flashes where I’m massively confident about myself, and I can make something happen.  I just wish I could have flashes of ineptitude and stupidity to mar up my massively confident self instead.  How would my change affect the world?  Well, you’d be reading and seeing a lot more of me, and frankly, maybe the world would be a happier, more sensible place.
2. “To plan where you’re going, you need to know where you are.”  Make a list of your skills, and when you see them all written out, maybe you can match up a wish with a skill. The example they use here is a “talent for bringing people together with a wish to help a local art show that needs some good PR.”  Hmmmm…..again, not a task I’m thrilled about doing, but we’ll see.  I wonder if this is good for the old thought of meet people and volunteer, and once people get to know you, your work, and your reliability, they may start hiring you.  I’m actually starting to do this–the talking to people is the hard thing for me, but I do know a lot of random stuff, and it’s nice to be able to give people ideas or outlets they may be able to use.  I have a decent amount of business sense with how business works.  I’m pretty good at understanding people and “getting” where they’re coming from.  How does that help my dreams to succeed with this website?  Try to find a way this idea would be good to publish?  I’m actually not sure….I’ll mull this one over a bit.
3. This one’s dated–don’t think about work on this upcoming Labor Day.  Instead, “explore your most playful schemes.”  Come up with five and figure out steps you can take to make one happen. What does “playful scheme” even mean?  Does it mean, Go get a massage and have a cupcake?  Or does it mean, If I could do anything, oh, I’d like to do x with my life?  If it’s the former, then don’t you just make a plan to do it?  Or just do it?  Like the way I think I’m just going to go get a cupcake this afternoon, because, boy, could I use one!
4. “Still not sure what you want?  Try approaching it sideways. Think of people you envy or admire.”  What about their lives do you wish you had, and how could you make them happen? Well, let’s try to think about this in terms of just becoming a published writer.  My little buddy Staci knows a lot of people and has worked a lot of places.  You’ve gotta know people, right (though friends have told me that I have some weird/amazing connections that are about 2 degrees away from me, I still don’t feel like I know people)?  I have been networking a little more and working on my ability to small talk–my problem is that I like listening to others and don’t like talking about myself–MUCH.  Oh, I like giving my opinion, but touting my skills is something different.  My friend Astrochick is pretty good at setting boundaries, and I’ve really learned to be better about that from her.  If we’re out with our respective men, and she’s had it for the night but nobody else is ready to go home, she’ll say good night.  I’ve started doing that, and I think it makes everyone happier (I don’t resent staying out when I don’t want to, and the people who are out can continue to have a good time).  She’s also good with saying, “I want to better myself in x area,” and she goes out and does it.  I’m still too much of an, “OOOOoooo!  Shiny!” type of person.  I like writer Jen Lancaster–I don’t really know her, although we hung out in a group one evening–because what I pick up from her talents is that she’s really good at taking an idea and selling it.  The whole putting-together-a-winning-proposal-and-making-it-happen type of thing.  Her third book is coming out in a week or so.  I think I could be as successful as she is (by successful, I mean getting book deals) if I sat down and thought about what would sell and then go through the tediousness of outlining a book and showing someone why it would work.  OK–three things to work on.  That’s about enough bitten off.
5. Network!  Network!  Network!  Who do you know–who knows somebody–who knows somebody who can help you? Even though I’m not big on the networking–mainly because I think there’s some mystery about doing it right and I’m not good at small talk–I know it’s valuable.  I do know a good amount of people who know people….and I think there are some connections I just made that would get me some work.

The Dream Big calendar has a few ideas that may help me. Others, not so much. I’m honestly a bit lazy to create a support group of friends who meet together monthly to help each other reach their goals. Isn’t that a big like group therapy? I’d much rather create a support group of friends who meet together monthly to have a good martini.

Another idea I’d probably have a problem with is creating a “Big Dreams Notebook” where I’d write down all my dreams, each with their own action plan, and then track my progress. Somehow, that seems a little too analytical–but then, that’s probably a reason I have a problem setting and accomplishing goals. I like to dream big, but I don’t always like the work involved that makes that dream a reality. I think what also gets me about the dream notebook is that I’d write down so many dreams that I’d probably feel overwhelmed in trying to accomplish them all. At any rate, that tip will not help with my current problem (and I only have one or two dreams: read my Oprahs, be a well-paid published writer).

But there are a few tips–and a lot of good, inspirational quotes–that may help: Meditate a little bit each day to help your mind relax and open up to creativity. Allow your imagination to wander and a big dream might come to you. Commit to your dream, and don’t take no for an answer.

That last one is really the most helpful. Really. I’ve got to commit to this project, and I do need to put more time toward it. I can’t let someone else’s thoughts and actions get in my way and deter me from achieving my dreams. It’s great advice, and I feel empowered to keep going.

Done with another issue! Done with volume one! Can you believe it? That in and of itself is a gift–the knowledge that I’ve reached a bit of a milestone. One volume down, seven+ to go.

I liked the giving issue because I think giving is fun. It’s good to remember that you shouldn’t give for altruistic reasons, and you should give of yourself whenever possible. Even if you don’t have money (something I tend to feel now that my income is sporadic–though it’s not entirely true. I still have more money than a lot of people do, and I shouldn’t hoard mine as much as I do right now), you should give your talents or at least give what you can. A little bit can go a long way for some people. I just need to remember that.

This article did have a great article on this Iowan teacher who taught her students about the evils of racism through a little project where she’d segregate kids based on eye color. Then she’d tell one group that the other was bad. They immediately started in on the discrimination. A couple of days later, she’d do the reverse. It was interesting to read the reactions of the kids being discriminated against and how they hated it, and how it made them aware of all the subtle racist ways we can act.

Although I’m probably more racist than I’d like to believe I am, it’s not something I’m working on at the moment. Still, though, it’s a good eye opener on how we jump on the racist bandwagon.

This month’s calendar has tasks to help you trust yourself a little bit more. In looking at the action items to think about, I don’t think I need to worry about them so much. Part of that has to do with my age–I’m in my mid-30s (though I believe that’s part of the target audience). Part of it has to do with the fact that I was single for a long time.

I didn’t date a lot in my early-mid 20s. There were random dates here and there, but I never was good at dating. If I felt in my gut something wrong about the guy or that it wouldn’t work out, the relationship didn’t last beyond date 2 or 3. Why bother being in a relationship you don’t feel good about? Just to be with a guy? That’s just dumb.

Oh, I was open to dating–I wasn’t waiting for the right guy to come in and sweep me off my feet–it’s just that if things didn’t click, I didn’t want to waste a lot of time and emotion about it.

This meant that I spent a lot of time by myself, and if I wanted to do something and no one was able/wanted to come with me, I didn’t stay home. I went out and did it. Going to the movies by myself? Not a big deal. Taking a month-long trip up the West Coast by myself? Fun!

Was it difficult to be alone? Of course–I would’ve loved to have had a boyfriend or husband earlier than I did. At the same time, I’m glad that I don’t have a difficult time being by myself.

What’s more difficult is having people question my decisions. Sometimes it’s out of love and said person wants to make sure I’ve fully vetted an issue, but sometimes it’s because the person doesn’t know me enough, projects their image of me on myself, and therefore comes to a conclusion that I’m wrong. Don’t you hate that? The problem is that it can be really destructive to a person and may actually cause that person not to trust themselves.

Anyway, if you’re having a problem with trusting yourself, here are some exercises to try:

• If you’re struggling with a decision and start to turn to a friend to give you the answer, first sit down and really think about what you feel.
• How do you show others that you trust them? What can you take from that to trust yourself?
• Support yourself by writing down (and believing) three great traits about you.
• Think about your relationship with your best friends? Do you depend on them to fix you? What can you do to rely on yourself instead?
• When have you felt good about going with your gut? Take time to consciously listen to it.

I think these are good things to think about, but like I said, over time I’ve learned that only a person can change themselves. That rule applies to yourself too.

Here’s what’s on Oprah’s list for this month:

Givenchy short hosiery: $12

Hand-painted Scott Potter dessert plates: $125 each

Donna Karan Intimates nightshirt: $150

l.a. vie l’orange body lotion: $25

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle: $22

JoyCam by Polaroid: $25

Hat by Anne Moore: $185

Gap flip-flops: $10-13

Oprah’s total: $554-557 (about $632 in today’s dollars)

This month seems more reasonable–still expensive to me, but it’s nice that Oprah will buy reasonably priced things. I myself wouldn’t consider the PJ’s, but I might pick up the book or the flip-flops.  The body lotion today is actually $3 cheaper today.  The hose doesn’t seem to be available anymore.

OK. A couple of things have happened in the last couple of months: I quit my day job to write full-time (following the dream, which is in issue 1, but Oprah’s not the reason I quit), and we re-upped the lease on the apartment, so we’ll be here another year. That doesn’t mean I want to keep the O’s around any longer than that though.

However, I’m feeling a total disconnect with this project, so I think I need to start over. Look for more this month while I hammer out the details with myself.