In April 2006, O still published the “Something to Think About” questions, so I’ll keep doing them, simply because they do force me to examine myself, no matter if I like it or not.

1. “How much time and money do  you spend each week on your appearance?  Is it more than you spend on your inner life?  Is this how you want to allot your resources and attention?“  I don’t know how you feel about this question, but it really comes off as being a bit snarky.  Um, how many pages does the magazine devote each month to selling me products to benefit my appearance?  Plus, it sounds like if you spend time on your appearance, that’s a bad thing, a waste of time.  It’s ironic to have this question thrown at me, almost accusatorially, when–not in this issue, but you get my drift–they’ll have an article about how to dress professionally for work.   But, if you want me to answer it, I don’t spend a ton of time on my appearance.  I rarely wear makeup.  I have an easy-to-groom hairstyle (and my hair isn’t all that difficult).  I do exercise a fair amount (30 min-1 hour 5-6 days/week), which is part of the “appearance” and yes, exercising is how I want to allot my resources and attention, thankyouverymuch.
2. “What do you think has–or hasn’t–happened to you because of your physical appearance?  What do you imagine would change about your life if you looked different?  What would it take for you to feel good about yourself the way you are now?” What’s happened is that my wedding photos aren’t that great because I was a lot heavier, but that’s the way it was.  I don’t really imagine my life looking different because I’d hope I wouldn’t let my looks define me.  Maybe I didn’t date as much because of my looks, but that turned out OK in the end, and I’m extremely happy with my husband.  I do feel fairly good about myself the way I am now (a few random compliments throughout the years have really helped)–I do need to lose more weight, but that’s work in progress that’s going fairly slowly, but it’s going the way I want it to.

I wonder if this set of questions led to the downfall.  Really, really lousy questions, in my opinion.

I’m not really keyed up with the four “Something to Think About” questions this month–I tend to whine a bit about the questions, but I think I’m getting a handle on defining success for me (being OK with my definition is taking a little bit of work, as is fulfilling my ambition, but that will come. I hope). Here are this month’s questions:

1. “What’s your definition of success? Do you consider yourself successful? Would others?” My definition of success is being a writer who’s making decent money by publishing the kind of work I want to. If you’d have asked me this question 8 months ago, I would’ve wanted to write full-time, so I believe I’m successful in that aspect. The publishing bit should come–I’m putting myself out there a little more and am trying harder. I just need to keep plugging away at it. Others probably would think I’m successful for getting to this point–doing what I want to be doing with my life. Although I haven’t really hit the jackpot with publishing, I think I’m getting some slack because I haven’t been at this too long. If I still haven’t hit with anything a year from now, that might be a different story.
2. “Whose ideas about success are you living? What assumptions, attitudes, or behaviors would you need to change to find success on your own terms?” At this point in the magazine, I’ve come across this idea that you need to have your idea of success so much that this question is almost irrelevant now. I’ve come up with my own idea of success (see question 1), and asking me again if this is my idea both ticks me off a little and makes me question myself a little bit. I almost want to say, “Hey! Back off! Are you trying to get me to create what I think is a smaller version of success?”
3. “List two or three steps you could take to move more in that direction.” So what do you mean? Move in the direction of success? Move in the direction of changing assumptions and attitudes? Because if we’re still on the latter, I’m past that. If I’m moving in the direction of success, I have to keep working and sending out queries–and really, even though I want to give my best work to publishers, I don’t want to invest so much of myself in the query/piece that I’ll get crushed when/if it’s rejected. I want to love my writing and be able to tell myself, “OK, it got rejected there, but that’s fine. Someone else might take this.” I don’t want to pin my hopes on one other person being responsible for my success, if that makes sense.
4. “Who are your models of success? Which of their attributes do you admire: Risk taking? Generosity? Resourcefulness? Courage? Self-confidence? Can you find these qualities in yourself?” Well, of course, I find Oprah to be a model of success. I admire the way she’s become such a mogul in our culture. She tells people to read a book, they read a book. It’s really amazing. I also like her because she has standards and really sets the bar high. She demands excellence, and I think she gets it. I also really admire Madonna. She’s savvy and an amazing businesswoman. She seems to be a risk taker, and she’s got boatloads of confidence. In terms of writers, I admire a lot of them, but I’d single out Jen Lancaster as being a good example of success. I enjoy her writing–and I think I can write just as well as she can and be as successful with my writing (her third book just came out)–but I really admire her for being able to sell her writing. Sales is a bit of a weakness with me, and I know she was a salesperson in a former life, so she knows how to do it. Her successes (and reading/listening to her talk about how she got there) remind me that a lot of it has to do with hustling. If she can do it, so can I.

So there you have it. I’m probing what I think about success, and really, I think being successful takes a lot of work, no matter if you’re trying to be a published writer, or if you’re trying to bake the perfect chocolate chip cookie. Both take time and effort–just think of how many times you may have to bake the cookies before you get the perfect recipe–but in the long run, it’ll be worth it.

It’s a nice, short, 2-question “Something to Think About” in the self-esteem issue (vol. 2 iss. 3), which is nice because I don’t think my self-esteem could handle a bunch of questions.  Let’s get to it:

The intro paragraph claims that if you want to change the way you feel about yourself, change the way you act.  Then you’ll know what triggers your feelings of self-doubt and learn how to manage those situations when they come up.  Change your behavior, and you’ll feel better about yourself, and voila!  Good self-esteem!

1. “Write down one area in your life–your finances, marriage, health, career–in which you feel insecure, uneasy, or frustrated.  What one thing can you do right now to improve your situation?  What can you do tomorrow and the next day?” Well, I feel insecure about the writing career.  It’s slow to take off–mainly because I’m slow to query and slow to write.  I can think up all sorts of excuses about why I shouldn’t sit down at the computer in the morning.  I don’t put together proposals.  I mainly slave away at blogs that not a lot of people read and don’t promote myself.  When I don’t write or breathe long enough to figure out where I can sell what I want to write about, then I get frustrated, or I feel guilty, and I goof off even more.  And then I’m frustrated because this project is way behind schedule.  So what’s the one thing I can do right now to improve my situation?  Don’t stress over the selling.  I have a schedule worked out, and selling happens on certain days.  On selling days, I should look at any notes I’ve kept over the week and then put together queries.  I can keep plugging away on this project–I’ll finish it eventually.  Just keep moving–if I tell myself that, I do feel better.  It’s like Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird–take the writing a little bit at a time.  And then I’ll try not to feel as though I sound like a broken record.
2. “Procrastination and fear often block our progress.  What task have you been avoiding for at least a month?  Why are you putting it off?  How would buckling down and pushing yourself to act help improve your sense of self? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say they’re not talking about me not cleaning the oven.  I do avoid this project religiously.  I have piles of the magazines around my desk, haunting me every time I look at them.  Although I haven’t avoided this project for a month, I do avoid it for days and weeks at a time.  By doing that, I’ll never read all these magazines and have to deal with what to do about them.  Nor will I gain any insight they may give me.  It’s possible I avoid them because I don’t want to go through the work of changing.  But if I buckle down and finish this, I’ll feel so good about accomplishing a big project–it means that I can tackle a book or something.

OK, I’m going to ponder this for a little while, but I’m also going to keep right on going and read another article or two.  Plug away, Jill.  Plug away.

The “Something to Think About” questions usually paralyze me, and lately there have only been a couple per issue. This time there’s FIVE. I dread these, mostly because I don’t want to sit down and think about them [you're actually supposed to rip out the page and make your own workbook--has anyone out there done that?]. Especially during this month, when the questions seem to be geared toward people who don’t know what their dreams and goals are. But I’ll answer them–maybe I will come up with something useful.

1. When you think about changing yourself, what would you focus on first? Once you’ve changed, what kind of person would you be? How would your change affect the world? “Write an imaginary news headline or press release announcing the event.” The headline/press release writing sounds like an activity you have to do at an office team building event. I’m so skeptical about this.  But here goes:  “Area Woman Gains Confidence, Gets Great Gig”  You know, I have flashes where I’m massively confident about myself, and I can make something happen.  I just wish I could have flashes of ineptitude and stupidity to mar up my massively confident self instead.  How would my change affect the world?  Well, you’d be reading and seeing a lot more of me, and frankly, maybe the world would be a happier, more sensible place.
2. “To plan where you’re going, you need to know where you are.”  Make a list of your skills, and when you see them all written out, maybe you can match up a wish with a skill. The example they use here is a “talent for bringing people together with a wish to help a local art show that needs some good PR.”  Hmmmm…..again, not a task I’m thrilled about doing, but we’ll see.  I wonder if this is good for the old thought of meet people and volunteer, and once people get to know you, your work, and your reliability, they may start hiring you.  I’m actually starting to do this–the talking to people is the hard thing for me, but I do know a lot of random stuff, and it’s nice to be able to give people ideas or outlets they may be able to use.  I have a decent amount of business sense with how business works.  I’m pretty good at understanding people and “getting” where they’re coming from.  How does that help my dreams to succeed with this website?  Try to find a way this idea would be good to publish?  I’m actually not sure….I’ll mull this one over a bit.
3. This one’s dated–don’t think about work on this upcoming Labor Day.  Instead, “explore your most playful schemes.”  Come up with five and figure out steps you can take to make one happen. What does “playful scheme” even mean?  Does it mean, Go get a massage and have a cupcake?  Or does it mean, If I could do anything, oh, I’d like to do x with my life?  If it’s the former, then don’t you just make a plan to do it?  Or just do it?  Like the way I think I’m just going to go get a cupcake this afternoon, because, boy, could I use one!
4. “Still not sure what you want?  Try approaching it sideways. Think of people you envy or admire.”  What about their lives do you wish you had, and how could you make them happen? Well, let’s try to think about this in terms of just becoming a published writer.  My little buddy Staci knows a lot of people and has worked a lot of places.  You’ve gotta know people, right (though friends have told me that I have some weird/amazing connections that are about 2 degrees away from me, I still don’t feel like I know people)?  I have been networking a little more and working on my ability to small talk–my problem is that I like listening to others and don’t like talking about myself–MUCH.  Oh, I like giving my opinion, but touting my skills is something different.  My friend Astrochick is pretty good at setting boundaries, and I’ve really learned to be better about that from her.  If we’re out with our respective men, and she’s had it for the night but nobody else is ready to go home, she’ll say good night.  I’ve started doing that, and I think it makes everyone happier (I don’t resent staying out when I don’t want to, and the people who are out can continue to have a good time).  She’s also good with saying, “I want to better myself in x area,” and she goes out and does it.  I’m still too much of an, “OOOOoooo!  Shiny!” type of person.  I like writer Jen Lancaster–I don’t really know her, although we hung out in a group one evening–because what I pick up from her talents is that she’s really good at taking an idea and selling it.  The whole putting-together-a-winning-proposal-and-making-it-happen type of thing.  Her third book is coming out in a week or so.  I think I could be as successful as she is (by successful, I mean getting book deals) if I sat down and thought about what would sell and then go through the tediousness of outlining a book and showing someone why it would work.  OK–three things to work on.  That’s about enough bitten off.
5. Network!  Network!  Network!  Who do you know–who knows somebody–who knows somebody who can help you? Even though I’m not big on the networking–mainly because I think there’s some mystery about doing it right and I’m not good at small talk–I know it’s valuable.  I do know a good amount of people who know people….and I think there are some connections I just made that would get me some work.

The two “Something to Think About” questions for this issue (hooray!  Only two!) are around the idea that the to bring change in your life, you first have to be that change, i.e.–if you want more/better friends in your life, you have to be a better friend first.  Give of yourself, and then you’ll receive what you think you need.

1. “Ask yourself:  ‘What do I need more of in my life?’”
   I personally would like more courage and focus.  I want the courage to take the risk and start making queries to publishers to become a more published writer.  Blogging is easy–I write it, I publish it.  Although it can be seen as a risk to “put myself out there,” I don’t see this as super-risky because I won’t reject my writing.  It’s getting approval (and validation) from someone else that scares the crap out of me.  For focus–I just want to be able to set a long-term goal that’s related to my career and achieve it.
2. “Write down how you can begin giving away what you need most in your life.” I suppose that if I want courage, I should encourage others as much as possible (I’m guessing that if I do that, I’ll think, “Well, this isn’t so difficult. I can do it!”  How do I give away focus though?  Focus on others?  That seems a little counter-intuitive.  Shouldn’t I focus on my own life?  What do you think?

Gratitude?  Thy name is only two “Something to Think About” questions this week!  The point is to dwell on all the things you can be thankful about.  If you’re grateful, you open yourself up to even more good things (hey, what goes around, comes around), and you start spreading the joy to others.

1.  “Ask yourself:  What are the good things in my life that I’m overlooking?”   Personally, I tend to assume I’ll have decent shelter, plenty of food, and clothes on my back.  I’m pretty glad I have those.  I’m probably also overlooking some basics about myself:  I’m glad I’m curious and like to read and have a sense of humor and and an imagination.  Overall though, there are many days when I realize how lucky I am.  I could just as well have been born someone else with a totally different (and worse) life.

2.  “Each day for a month, write down one reason you’re thankful  for your mate or closest friend.  At the end of the month, give him or her the list.“  Since I don’t have a month, I’m going to pass on this one.  Maybe I’ll write one out on my own (but I’m not really motivated to…I tend to tell the Boy how much I’m happy to have him–and he does the same for me–in little ways all the time).

I don’t want to do the “Something to Think About” questions.  I’m tired of them.  Only four issues in, and I’m tired of the constant self-examination.  Though, now that I look at these, I suppose they aren’t too bad:

1. “Think of the person you trust the most.  How has he or she earned your confidence?”  Well, by being honest with me.  Listening to me.  Allowing me to be who I am?  Pushing me to be my best.
2. “What can you do to earn your own trust?”  Stop second-guessing myself.
3. “Jot down five significant ways you could show your best friend that you value her.  Right now, plan how you will do all five of those things for yourself by the end of the year.”  Think of something fun/different to do to take my mind off of certain problems.  Making her dinner.  Sending a card just to say hi [though doing that for myself seems kind of weird.  Oh, look!  I got mail!  From me!].  Oh, I don’t know what else–the point of this is that you should value yourself, and I do value myself.  I just am a bit insecure.  I guess I should keep telling myself to move forward, keep working.  At some point talent, luck, and hard work will combine and I’ll realize my dreams.

Yeah, I guess that wasn’t so difficult after all.

Is it bad that I’m relieved there are only two questions in the “Something to Think About” feature this issue?  In terms of this month’s theme, the power of thought, I’m not having an easy time.  The other day was rough for me–lots of negative thoughts about being able to write, being able to get published, being able to earn money for the household.  So I got frustrated with other people instead of trying to fix myself.  Luckily, I don’t tell them what I’m thinking (I’d lose many a friend that way) because ultimately they aren’t the real problem.  The real problem is myself.  I let negative thoughts tumble around in my brain and take over.  This happens far too often, and if I let it continue, it could be my downfall.  Something for me to think about while I answer this month’s questions:

When you focus your thoughts, they have more power.  What one thought would you like to hold in your mind this month?

The one thought I can keep in my is focus on producing some work.  I have a horrible problem with focusing, so that’s what I’m trying to work on.  If you remember my post on setting goals, I want to try to create a body of work, then try to sell it (though in this case, it’s finish the Oprah Project).  I feel pressure–mostly internally created, though I think once we get through the first month of one income, it may be easier–to bring in some money, so there’s this constant frenzied thinking in my brain of, “WhatcanIsell?  WhatcanIsell?  Produce!  Sell!”  I don’t feel like I can slow down and breathe and just write.

I’m going to have to learn how to sell more work sooner, rather than later, that’s true.  But to think, “HowamIgoingtodothis?” all the time just paralyzes me, and that’s just not good.

Anyway, I need to focus on writing.  Perhaps I should schedule one day a week to look at my ideas and make pitches, and use the other four to concentrate on the product.  Let me see how that works, because that just might be a decent plan.

Your own thoughts can trap you and undermine your potential.  What unhealthy thought patterns would you like to examine and unravel?

Well, I think I mostly answered this one above.  However, I’ve got to work on some of the personal thoughts.  I would like to grow a thicker skin (how?  I’m not sure how you do that, but I’ll figure it out).  I would like to stop obsessing about other people’s lives and wonder why they do what they do.  They’ve got their lives, I’ve got mine.  I’m sure I do plenty of annoying things too.  I just need to enjoy my friends whenever I can and live my own life.

Sometimes it’s hard to keep in mind that everyone’s life is different, and although you’ll have people come and go, and even though you always have family, you alone live your own life.  You’re responsible for your own choices and making sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to do with the gifts you’re given.  That concept really scares me sometimes.  I just can’t let that thought overtake everything else and stop me from going forward.

Ugh. The question page is here again. I still have no desire to face my feelings and work toward a better life. I kind of wonder if that will change as time goes on. Anyway, I’ll give it a shot.

1. Recall a time when you felt an intense emotion, such as anger or jealousy. What was behind that emotion? Fear? Disappointment?
2. Ask yourself: Why, exactly, am I afraid or disappointed? Really contemplate what you’re feeling and why.
3. What can you do to begin dealing with the hurt beneath your emotions, like your fear of rejection?

I’m going to answer these in one go. I get angry and worked up over some stupid stuff–last weekend it was because a guy used the women’s restroom and peed all over the toilet seat. Boy, did I want to deck him! What’s behind that? A bit of resentment perhaps, feeling looked over. I do have an issue with self-worth/not thinking I’m good enough. I don’t constantly seek approval, but in some cases I can’t get enough of it. I keep seeking validation from others–for example, I’m constantly checking my other blog’s stats to see how many readers I get. I had a great month (for me), which meant not quite 600 readers. That’s about 20/day. Another friend who’d just started a blog that revolves around a specific topic casually mentioned not that long after they’d started writing, that they got something in the neighborhood of 200 hits/day. ARGH! I’ve poured my heart into my little site of columns for over two years. You bang out a few entries, and suddenly you have tons (at least to me) of viewers?

On some level I know that because mine is just general interest, it’s probably more difficult to get readers than a blog that revolves around one topic, but it bothers me that the writing is something I really want to do with my life, and I’m trying to be good at it, and someone else can kind of waltz in and be more popular than me. Again with the self-worth! I suppose I should be happy that I get readers who I don’t know, but it is hard to be patient and think that if I keep at it, I’ll be able to come up with something sellable. Will that give me the self-worth I need to be happy? Isn’t that answer “no”? Doesn’t happiness come from within?

I suppose the need for validation comes from feeling the need to please, and you know, that stems from childhood–get good grades, be a good girl, do this, you want to do that? no, you don’t want to do that….I was told to do a lot of what I ended up doing with my life. I remember going to college fairs and wanting to study theater. My mother would say, “Tell them [the admissions folk] you’re studying German.”

I studied German. I remember taking the test for placement level, desperately hoping I’d test into the highest level possible so that I wouldn’t disappoint my high school German teacher. I scored almost as high as you could. A couple of years into the German major, I realized I didn’t want to do anything with it–I didn’t have the confidence for interpretation or translation, and I didn’t want to teach. I enjoyed being able to speak another language, but I felt like a sham for being there.

I didn’t take any theater classes. I auditioned for shows but never made them….eventually the “being on stage bug” left and I found a passion in writing. Fourteen years out of college, and I’m finally doing my best to become a writer. It’s scary, and I’m afraid it’s going to take forever and that we’ll run out of money, and I’m afraid of not being able to successfully pitch anything. I come up with some ideas and don’t know how to/take the time to flesh them out well. I suppose I have to learn how to be patient with myself and focus on myself. Tune out all the other noise and the “supposed to’s” and work on me.

Is that what you mean by question 3, Oprah? Because fuckin’ a, if I knew what to do, I’d do it. Sometimes I don’t even know where to start. That’s why I’m looking to the magazine for a little help.

Oh.  Wait.  This is all about living in the moment, isn’t it?  I suppose I should let go of the self-doubt and feeling like I don’t matter, right?  Forget the past–or maybe try not to let it control me–and live for now.  I guess this is what this issue is trying to do.  It’s a lot easier said than done, but I’ll give it a try.

One of the features that sets O apart from other magazines is the personal “workbook” sheet that has questions for you to ponder in creating your best life.  This is not the stuff I go for, but OK, I’ll do them.  I won’t like it though!

Something to Think About questions:

1. Am I satisfied with the life I am living?  Some aspects, yes, but if I was satisfied with my life, woul I be answering this?
2. How would I change my life if I had only one year to live? One month? One day?  I hate this question.  Hate it.  I must be getting old because it’s not thought-provoking anymore (or I’m just avoiding writing a real answer).  Let’s see.  If I had one year left, I’d travel around the world (hopefully I’m healthy in this one year).  If I had one month, I’d see friends, eat a fair amount, and visit favorite places one last time.  One day?  Tell my loved ones I love them and watch “Tootsie.”  I’d probably also eat some good French fries.

3. What is my heart’s deepest desire?  To make a living wage from writing.  I was going to say “being creative,” but one can argue I do that in my current job, and let me tell you, research is not my heart’s deepest desire.