It’s another article written to me:  Jill, you envying fool!  Well, OK, not really, but here’s another one that applies to what I sometimes feel is my pretty pathetic psyche.   Envy does you no good.

Yes, I have a problem with envy.  There are days where nothing is working–people can travel more, do more, be more, have more, than it seems I can.  And then I waste a bunch of time comparing myself to these people and make myself feel worse in the process.  By the time I’m done with the petty pity party, it’s time to go to bed, and I’ve done nothing to further myself in my goals.  Brilliant, eh?

This short article is quite helpful in helping me to quell the envy.  Writer Veronica Chambers explains that pretty much everyone envies someone or is the object of envy, and you shouldn’t pretend that we all don’t.  However, if you examine why you’re envious, you may learn more about what you want for your own life.  Thank goodness there’s a silver lining to this black cloud!

Chambers writes that envy is worse than jealousy because you feel that someone else has something that you deserve, and you start resenting that person and competing with her.  Envy is totally capable of trashing relationships in this way.  Your friend has success, and you feel threatened by it.

So how do you fix your envy?  Sometimes you just have to get past it because there are things you might be envious of, but you’ll never be able to change (your height, your eye color), so you have to learn how to get over it and get on with more positive thoughts.

You can also look at your envy and see what it’s telling you about yourself.  Do I envy someone because they’ve published more than I have?  Sometimes yes, but I’ve learned to start figuring out why I haven’t.  Here’s an example:   I love Jen Lancaster’s writing.  She’s a blogger, who’s managed to get published because of her blog.  Her third book is coming out soon (and I’m looking forward to reading it).  However, I tend to think I write just as well as she does, and I’m just as funny, so why don’t I have the readership and the  big book deals?  I should be putting in 10 hour days working on edits, thank you!

Well, um, after I think about the situation for a couple of seconds, I realize Jen has probably gotten where she has because she’s spent hours putting together solid book proposals and selling them.  And where are my book proposals?  Still figments of my imagination (and very small figments at that).  So that’s when I start thinking I need to get off my high horse and get to work.  If I actually worked harder, I’m sure I could get to where she is.

Chambers also writes that instead of being envious, you can try being generous.  I actually had a generous moment a few months ago, when my friend Carl got a really good job.  The amazing thing was that I was shocked that I didn’t feel my usual envy, which is both sad that I am so stinkin’ envious and good that I was getting out of the envy trap.  It’s hard to do, but I think as I move toward the life I want, it’s easier to be more generous and less envious.  And really, that’s the type of person I’d rather be.

A good chunk of the rest of Issue Two is devoted to helping yourself in other ways. There are articles about manicures, eye surgery, drinking enough water, getting fit, sleeping more, that sort of thing. Hillary Clinton weighs in on her favorite books. Jane Fonda talks about the disease to please in the Oprah interview. Amazing women tell their stories. There’s also fashion spreads and recipes and even a short story. It’s actually a nice relief from the heavy work of the front of the magazine.

This issue’s “Breathing Space” is a country lane that’s flanked by a couple of trees and disappears over a hill. The path actually goes through the gutter of the two-page spread, so at first I didn’t even notice the path. Oops.

Besides Oprah’s “What I Know For Sure” column (discussed below), that wraps up issue 2. I’m moving slowly, but I hope to be speeding up. It’s all part of the learning curve.

Oprah tells us that the “What I know for sure” line comes from the late film critic Gene Siskel, who used to ask it of his interview subjects. Oprah learned to use this to periodically evaluate her own life. Pretty interesting, I think.

This month she talks about how she learned to say no to people. The breaking point was when she’d been asked to donate to a cause she really didn’t feel anything for. She didn’t think her contribution would make a difference, and she was only considering giving so that somebody else wouldn’t think she was stingy. That’s when she realized she needed to make sure everything she did was what she intended to do.

She wrote this note to herself and keeps it on her desk:

Never again will I do anything for anyone that I do not feel directly from my heart. I will not attend a meeting, make a phone call, write a letter, sponsor or participate in any activity in which every fiber of my being does not resound yes. I will act with the intent to be true to myself.

Personally, I think this is a great motto to live by because soon you do what you want to be doing/should be doing with your life, and everyone learns what they can/can’t ask of you. It takes a lot of strength–and practice–to do this, I think. Women, I think probably really have this problem, since we tend to want to solve everyone’s problems. But if you work at it, eventually you don’t serve on committees you don’t like, give money to causes you don’t care about, etc.

I know a woman who comes up with all of these ideas to help people. “Isn’t this a great idea?” she’ll ask. But she never wants to do the legwork. She always looks for someone else to try to implement her ideas. Sorry, but if you’re passionate about it, you have to do it, and then your actions may inspire someone else to help.

I’ve learned to just listen to this woman and never commit myself to these ideas, simply because I’d end up feeling resentful and like I wasn’t doing what I was passionate about.

It’s hard to say no. I can only imagine how many people ask Oprah for help. I know I get tired of unwelcome donation solicitations (even constant credit card offers) and asking for help. But saying no helps you figure out who you are, and that can make an even bigger impact on the world.

Boy, this issue is jam-packed with articles to blog about. I’m skipping over a lot, but I have to wonder, are they all going to be like this? And just how messed up am I, really? But there’s an article about getting to happiness that I need to try. I’m actually pretty happy, for the most part. I have a great husband and am getting the opportunity to do what I want. What would make me happier? Perhaps bringing in some more money and getting published more (the latter will take a bit more work on my part though–plus, I have to remember that in the goal-setting from the first issue, I’m taking time to create a body of work first. I have to be more patient with myself on that). I could also stand to lose some more weight, but that takes time as well.

“Real Joy, Right Now” is an article by Debrena Jackson Gandy about finding true happiness in your life. She claims that if you answer two questions honestly, you can start to rid yourself of anxiety and emptiness and get to a happier place. What are these magical questions?

1. What really brings you joy?
2. Does your life reflect what brings you happiness?

Gandy wants me to write down at least three answers for the various areas of life: family, work, friendships, finances, health. Then put those answers away and come back to them a few days later and ask, “What do I believe about myself that could be robbing me of joy?” Compare what brings you joy against the realities of your situation–if you’re spending most of your time doing something that’s not making you happy, you’ll have to find a way to change that. This exercise will just hopefully make it easier to see the realities.

OK, here are my answers to #1. If you’d asked me this 6 months ago, they’d be really different, but since my work situation has changed, I’ve become a bit happier, I think.

What Brings Jill Joy:

Family:

1. Loving husband
2. Family has a sense of humor
3. Family doesn’t make too many demands on my time

Work:

1. I mostly get to write what I want
2. I’m attempting to follow my dreams
3. I don’t feel like it’s work

Friendships:

1. I’m proud to have friends who I’ve known for decades.
2. My friends are understanding if I don’t respond right away–I’ve always thought that it’s great that I could not hear from a friend for a month or two, then have a day with a great phone call or e-mail conversation without apologizing profusely about not keeping in better touch. It’s nice to be able to pick up the friendship and run with it whenever needed.
3. If anything bad happened, I could call most any of them, and they’d be there for me instantly.

Finances:

1. We have no credit card debt
2. We could survive for a few months on savings
3. We have a good-sized house fund, and the Boy and I are on the same page when it comes to buying a house (because even though it hurt not to buy when I was supposed to be buying, I’m glad we’re not in over our heads with a mortgage)

Health:

1. I don’t have any serious diseases (knock on wood)
2. I’m pretty mobile
3. I enjoy being active

I’ll revisit this next week and see how real life compares.

A couple of articles after the big happiness questions, there’s an article about curing yourself of the disease to please. I suppose one might diagnose me with that, but here’s the twist: I’ve been working on this one for a while.

The “disease to please” is mostly a women’s issue, I think. We’re taught to take care of people, and in return we want them to approve and love us. A lot of times, this means we overextend ourselves and say yes to doing everything, whether we really want to or not.

Over the last few years, I’ve been much better at saying no to things I don’t want to do, and I’ve slowly whittled away outside activities until writing was a priority. I can’t say that I’m perfect at this, but I’m doing better. You might think this is at odds with my last post, but I don’t think I’m concerned about pleasing people–I just want them to pay attention to me and let my voice come through. That’s different, right?

If you’re trying to stop pleasing everyone else first, here’s some ways to do it:

• Just say you can’t do x. You don’t have to give reasons why. A simple “no” is enough.
• Buy time. You can get back to the person once you’ve figured out a good way to say no.
• If you have plans, you have plans, even if it’s just scheduled time for yourself.
• “Make it a policy.” This is useful in sticky situations, like lending money or big ticket items. You simply have a “policy” that you don’t do them.
• When you say no to something you don’t really want to do, you give yourself the opportunity to do something that you’d rather do.

I think these are good things to remember, and I’ve used them as I try to say no to things I don’t really want to do (and if I’m in a situation where it’s, “Well, someone has to do it, so I’ll make that sacrifice,” I really try to think twice about it). I’ve learned that e-mail doesn’t have to be answered right away and that nobody knows my schedule, so I can set it as I see fit. Yes, I have deadlines, but I agree to them, so it’s up to me to make sure I don’t overburden myself and stress out.

It’s difficult to do, don’t get me wrong. I literally have to tell myself, “You don’t need to answer this e-mail now,” when I don’t want to. Someday I hope it will just be reflexive thinking.

There’s an article in Vol. 1, Iss. 2 that tries to explain why you must have some “alone time.”  As someone who’s had plenty of “me time,” I never understand the people who can’t be alone.  It’s not that difficult to go to the movies by yourself, so get over it!

The Boy is the opposite of me–he recharges by being around people.  I recharge when I’m by myself.  I think that’s because even though I had a brother I spent a fair amount of time by myself (and while we’re on the subject–going back to that “Something to Think About” post, maybe part of the reason I need to feel validated is because I spent a ton of time going to his concerts, sporting events, etc. because I couldn’t be left home along, but he didn’t have to go to mine when it was my turn–he’s 5 years older.  It was pretty unfair–and I know that life’s unfair, but the underlying message is that my brother didn’t have to think I was important, while his stuff had to be important to me.  Of course, we can’t go back and change everything, so I should just deal with it and move on, but right now, I don’t have a good solution).

I also didn’t date much in high school, college, and a good part of my twenties, so even though I went out with friends quite a bit, I naturally did have time by myself.  I had to learn how to enjoy myself because I didn’t want to wrap happiness in the shape of a boyfriend.  I knew that wouldn’t work.  All of this “avoiding ourselves because we’re afraid of what we might find” doesn’t do much for me.

Ugh. The question page is here again. I still have no desire to face my feelings and work toward a better life. I kind of wonder if that will change as time goes on. Anyway, I’ll give it a shot.

1. Recall a time when you felt an intense emotion, such as anger or jealousy. What was behind that emotion? Fear? Disappointment?
2. Ask yourself: Why, exactly, am I afraid or disappointed? Really contemplate what you’re feeling and why.
3. What can you do to begin dealing with the hurt beneath your emotions, like your fear of rejection?

I’m going to answer these in one go. I get angry and worked up over some stupid stuff–last weekend it was because a guy used the women’s restroom and peed all over the toilet seat. Boy, did I want to deck him! What’s behind that? A bit of resentment perhaps, feeling looked over. I do have an issue with self-worth/not thinking I’m good enough. I don’t constantly seek approval, but in some cases I can’t get enough of it. I keep seeking validation from others–for example, I’m constantly checking my other blog’s stats to see how many readers I get. I had a great month (for me), which meant not quite 600 readers. That’s about 20/day. Another friend who’d just started a blog that revolves around a specific topic casually mentioned not that long after they’d started writing, that they got something in the neighborhood of 200 hits/day. ARGH! I’ve poured my heart into my little site of columns for over two years. You bang out a few entries, and suddenly you have tons (at least to me) of viewers?

On some level I know that because mine is just general interest, it’s probably more difficult to get readers than a blog that revolves around one topic, but it bothers me that the writing is something I really want to do with my life, and I’m trying to be good at it, and someone else can kind of waltz in and be more popular than me. Again with the self-worth! I suppose I should be happy that I get readers who I don’t know, but it is hard to be patient and think that if I keep at it, I’ll be able to come up with something sellable. Will that give me the self-worth I need to be happy? Isn’t that answer “no”? Doesn’t happiness come from within?

I suppose the need for validation comes from feeling the need to please, and you know, that stems from childhood–get good grades, be a good girl, do this, you want to do that? no, you don’t want to do that….I was told to do a lot of what I ended up doing with my life. I remember going to college fairs and wanting to study theater. My mother would say, “Tell them [the admissions folk] you’re studying German.”

I studied German. I remember taking the test for placement level, desperately hoping I’d test into the highest level possible so that I wouldn’t disappoint my high school German teacher. I scored almost as high as you could. A couple of years into the German major, I realized I didn’t want to do anything with it–I didn’t have the confidence for interpretation or translation, and I didn’t want to teach. I enjoyed being able to speak another language, but I felt like a sham for being there.

I didn’t take any theater classes. I auditioned for shows but never made them….eventually the “being on stage bug” left and I found a passion in writing. Fourteen years out of college, and I’m finally doing my best to become a writer. It’s scary, and I’m afraid it’s going to take forever and that we’ll run out of money, and I’m afraid of not being able to successfully pitch anything. I come up with some ideas and don’t know how to/take the time to flesh them out well. I suppose I have to learn how to be patient with myself and focus on myself. Tune out all the other noise and the “supposed to’s” and work on me.

Is that what you mean by question 3, Oprah? Because fuckin’ a, if I knew what to do, I’d do it. Sometimes I don’t even know where to start. That’s why I’m looking to the magazine for a little help.

Oh.  Wait.  This is all about living in the moment, isn’t it?  I suppose I should let go of the self-doubt and feeling like I don’t matter, right?  Forget the past–or maybe try not to let it control me–and live for now.  I guess this is what this issue is trying to do.  It’s a lot easier said than done, but I’ll give it a try.

The first issue (and I presume every other issue) ends with a little Oprah-authored essay called “What I Know For Sure.”  She likes this phrase–I think being sure about things is a big deal for a lot of people.  It gives you a bit of extra confidence.

In this essay, Oprah talks about happiness, and that your happiness is tied to the Golden Rule.  Basically what you do to others will come back around to you at some point.  Oprah says, “Happiness is never something you get from other people.  The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.”

I think it’s kind of an eloquent reminder that look, if you want to be happy, examine what you’re doing with yourself and how you treat others.  Treat everyone well and with respect, and soon you’ll find that they treat you the same.  Simple, yes, but sometimes we forget the simple things and try to make life overly complex.