I can relate to only one of the three Dr. Phil questions in the April 2006 issue:  How do I stop comparing myself to my sisters and their idea of what success is? (the other two questions are:  My 10-yr-old steals things from her friends, and I don’t want to be pals with my husband’s ex-wife)

Dr. Phil advises that he hopes the writer is happy for her sisters in their endeavors and that as an adult, the sibling rivalry should be behind you (though really, if that was easy to do, a lot of therapists would be out of work.  I mean, are you supposed to be able to flip a switch at 18 and say you’re over it?  I get what he’s saying, but I bet for some people it’s much easier said than done).  Even if they don’t get behind you, you should be happy for them (“…the purest love we can ever have is for our family.”  I wonder if the opposite is also true for the ultra-dysfunctional families).

That said, because the writer feels “unworthy,” she’s obviously not accepting herself and her talents and her choices in life.  The writer’s sisters are in medicine, she’s a teacher.  That doesn’t mean the sisters are any better–everyone’s different, we all have different talents, and we’re all worthy.  If the writer is measuring her life solely by what her sisters think, she’s “giving [her] power away.  Don’t use their yardstick to measure your worth.”  If the writer is passionate about teaching, she should be happy with her choice.

This question’s interesting to me because I think a lot of us try to measure up with our friends and relatives.  She/he has this/that.  I don’t.  I feel bad.  I’ve felt this way a lot–have been working on being comfortable with my own road.  The thing is that it’s a little difficult to deal with the fact that everyone’s life is different and that no matter what, your life is your own, and that concept can be a little lonely.  Even if you’re married, your spouse has his/her own life too, and even though you share a lot, you’re still going through life on your own.

That idea can be empowering–you can do life the way nobody else has!  It can be scary–am I doing this right?  Although it’s fun to forge my own way, I still often I feel like I need approval from others in the “am I doing this right” category.  I shouldn’t try to measure up to their definition of “right,” but it really can be difficult not to.

Sorry it’s been a while.  In planning out this project and trying to make it fit in with the rest of my life (other blog, other writing projects, family, household work), I tend to forget how long the writing process actually takes.  Over the last few days I had some deadlines I had to meet, so this work got pushed to the back of the line.  I’ll try to get back to it more this week.  It’s funny–I’d hoped to finish by July, and I’m really nowhere near that.  I don’t know when I’ll finish now.  I suppose if I just wrote one post per issue, it would be a lot easier to accomplish my goal, but I don’t think just reading the magazine is the point.  The point is to see if it helps me, and that requires a little more soul searching, which takes longer.  We’ll see how I’m doing by the end of the year.

Anyway, this post is about the Dr. Phil column in the June 2008 issue.  These have nothing to do with the Beauty Revolution theme (it’d be funny if he did chime in on that), but one I think is fairly useful for me.

Let’s eliminate the two that aren’t:

1. My relationship with my husband isn’t intimate anymore, and I need that.  What should I do? Dr. Phil says focus on why you married the guy in the first place.  After all, there’s something about him that made you say you wanted to be with him.  You’ve just got to find that again.  Also, let go of the resentment you feel and focus on creating a better relationship.  Dr. Phil does have a script ready for the conversation she needs to have with her husband.  I really want to know if anyone’s used these and if so, do they work?  At any rate, Dr. Phil says this writer deserves a better relationship with her husband, but it’s going to take some work on both of their parts to get there.
2. My husband’s buddies don’t respect women/their wives and several cheat on theirs.  I don’t want to hang around these people anymore, but I don’t want to hurt my husband by doing this.  What to do? Dr. Phil says this person is really more afraid that her husband will follow in his buddies’ footsteps and cheat on her too.  She’s never going to feel comfortable around these people, and frankly, her husband should feel bad that his friends are causing his wife to be upset.  So tell him that you don’t like their actions, you’re not going to hang out with them, and you refuse to feel any guilt about this.  The husband should probably find some different friends.

The last question asks how do you confront a racist? This one is interesting.  The writer’s sister brings up race in a negative way, it makes the writer uncomfortable, and she doesn’t know how to address the situation.  During one phone conversation, she didn’t say anything–she just hung up.  Then she wrote an e-mail about the subject, but didn’t hear anything back.  She wonders what she could do in the future.  Dr. Phil advises she should try to continue the conversation next time.  If you just hang up, everything stops.  You’re also giving your sister the power to become the victim and claim you’re judging her.  The writer should apologize for hanging up and assure her sister that she won’t “condemn her for opinions you don’t condone.”  It’s important to keep that communication open, and maybe one day her mind will change.

Interesting advice–and I wonder how easy it is to implement it.  It’s tough to try to change the mentality people have, especially when it comes to race, so I wonder if this tactic works.

The three questions to Dr. Phil in the Success issue (Sept. 2001) are nice and general, so they can be applicable to almost anyone, but they all fall under the realm of you having to define “success” for yourself.  I do hope there are other articles that talk about helping you define success because I’m kind of wallowing on this topic.  Do I reach for the stars and want all sorts of publishing awards (i.e.–that would force me to write excellent work), or is that really some measure being forced on me?  I don’t really know, and I’m confused about it.  Yes, I want to publish books and essays at some point, but I don’t want to publish just anything in order to make a living. Does that make sense?  I get the feeling that “you define success for yourself” is a panacea to someone who doesn’t want to be CEO or President or a rock star.  They’re saying you can be successful in other areas because really, not everybody is going to be the CEO, but you can still have a rich and fulfilling life without being #1.  I’m just afraid that I’ll start shooting too low and not be what I consider a success.

Interestingly enough, the third question to Dr. Phil runs a little along these same lines:  “How can I stop sabotaging my own success?”

Dr. Phil responds that what may be holding the writer back are “limiting beliefs” and “comfort zone.”  These two concepts can be related as well.  The “limiting beliefs” are things you think about yourself that make you think you’re not worthy and that you shouldn’t succeed.  You’ve forgotten that you are the only person who can put value on you.  You’ve let others decide what you can/can’t do.

If you limit yourself long enough, you’ll fall into the “comfort zone,” where you just go about your daily routine, not stretching yourself and challenging yourself to do more.  Because you’ve limited yourself, you don’t really think you can do better.  It’s a vicious cycle.

Dr. Phil advises the reader to ask herself why she’s afraid of succeeding.  Is it because she’s really afraid of failing?  Or is she afraid of succeeding once, which means that expectations of her will be higher (and then maybe she’ll fail).   He also says he believes “in requiring more of yourself.  Program yourself for success by setting very specific goals that involve reaching only for those jobs, projects, and endeavors that utilize you and all your skills.”

This is useful for me because it helps me remember (not really realize–I know this stuff, but I think I constantly have to remind myself until it sinks in) that in order to have the kind of success I want, I have to focus on specific types of writing.  I don’t want to be a person who makes a living from writing just anything–the Boy and I have worked it out so that I try to become the type of writer I want to be, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll make money at first.  I think it means I’ll be rejected a lot.  If I was focused on the money, I’d be doing whatever type of writing I could get my hands on–business communication, press releases, etc–and let’s face it, I’m not great at that type of writing, nor do I want to develop those skills.

So now that I have a little more focus about the type of success I want, I just have to press on and write a lot and send out a lot of well-written pieces, and maybe I’ll get there.

The other two questions in this column?  Someone’s looking for a hero/role model and asks Dr. Phil for a suggestion.  His short answer is pretty good:  I can’t give you a name because I don’t really know what type of role model you’re looking for.  You have to figure out who to look up to and pick a person based on your values and the types of goals you’ve set for yourself (and later he says that role models can be good inspiration, but your success is more up to you–I think this sentence is a bit short because I believe he’s trying to say not to put too much stock into other people and prop them up.  Work on yourself).  But, Dr. Phil does know some common characteristics of successful people:

1. Specific goals
2. Strategy–”They didn’t flounder about, trying first one thing and then another.  They had well thought out step-by-step strategies for attaining success.”  Gulp.  I’m a flounderer.  Big time.  Have I thought out this project?  Not very well, but I’m trying to make sure I finish it, which would be a major accomplishment in and of itself.
3. Action–Make it happen!
4. Self-management–Take care of yourself and don’t let others drag you down.
5. Passion–Be excited about your goals.
6. Support–Surround yourself with people who support your goals.

The second question is from somebody who wants to have it all:  Job and family.  But really, you’ve got to make choices–and if you put more effort into one, the other’s going to suffer a little bit.  That’s the reality.  So what you need to try to do is find balance–and be creative about that.  If you need to work, look for a job that offers a little flexibility so you can still be with your family.  If you need to work because you need the money, do you really need the money, or would the money give you the opportunity to buy more stuff at the expense of having a nurtured family?  So Dr. Phil advises the writer to think creatively and find the balance that will work for her.

I found Dr. Phil’s column helpful.  Do you have more advice about success?

I haven’t been around for a few days–I’m sorry for that.  Part of it’s because I’m still trying to fit this project in with some everyday work.  The other reason is that I’m still licking some wounds from being kicked to the curb (figuratively) by Dr. Phil.

In the self-esteem issue (March 2001), Dr. Phil takes on some questions about self-perception, a couple of which I could’ve written:

1. What is this “self-esteem” that you speak of?  I don’t understand what it is.  I hate everything about myself, so how can I get some self-esteem? Dr. Phil liked this question–and I do too.  It’s a nice basic one to get the ball rolling.  Dr. Phil defines self-esteem as “the degree to which you assign worth to yourself.  Other common words for this are self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-assurance. Some people possess a high degree of these qualities and some people don’t.”  Really, the amount of self-esteem you have is your call.  Even though you may be influenced by experiences and people, how you think of yourself is up to you.  It’s all in how you perceive yourself (and Dr. Phil notes that perception and reality aren’t the same thing).  So if you think poorly of yourself, get over it–you’re unique and have value.  Talking bad about yourself isn’t going to help.  Dr. Phil also does say (and mad props for this) that if you have a negative self-perception, maybe there’s a reason for that.  You’re not worthless–nobody’s worthless–but if you think you’re “lazy and selfish,” and it turns out to be true, uh, maybe you should fix that.
2. I feel worthless because my parents pounded that thought into me, and even though I’m an adult, these thoughts still plague me.  How can I stop feeling so worthless? “When you have negative thoughts about yourself, you are not responding to who you really are, you are responding to your perception of you.  Change the perception and you will change your life.  Sometimes we must give ourselves what we wish we had gotten from others, unfair as it may be.”  That’s the short part of the answer–Dr. Phil talks about not perpetrating this behavior with the writer’s kids.  At least Dr. Phil acknowledges that changing your self-perception can take some time.  You have to keep at it though because eventually those better messages will sink in.  This is good advice for me–I don’t have the greatest self-esteem at times, and I tend to beat myself up and talk myself out of doing a lot of writing/submitting because I feel like I’m not a good enough writer (or I don’t want to deal with the rejection of a totally awesome idea).  If I can stop those negative thoughts from bubbling up, I can deal with this Living Oprah competition.
3. Can you have too much self-esteem?  Because I’ve got this friend who will not shut up about herself. Dr. Phil says if you’re really confident with yourself, you don’t feel the need to flaunt it.  This is probably someone who feels inferior and feels the need to be superior to make herself feel better.
4. My son’s got some drug/prison problems, and I’ve got a 14-yr-old daughter who’s got to deal with people being mean to her about this situation.  What can I tell her? I thought this was an interesting question too…ah, the joys of taunting children.  Why we have high school reunions to remind us of this, I’m not sure.  Dr. Phil advises the writer to remind the daughter that she is not her brother, everybody makes choices, the brother made some bad choices, and now he’s facing the circumstances.  Also tell the daughter that everyone goes through rough patches (don’t wish them on anyone), so she’s not alone.  Finally, remind her that people probably aren’t talking about her as much as she thinks they are, so try not to obsess over what other people think about this situation.

Overall, some pretty interesting questions and decent advice.  I’m feeling more worthy about myself already.

December 2000’s Dr. Phil is all about odd male behaviors. Here are the three questions:

1. My husband’s really into internet porn–he’s got friends in sex chat rooms and gets a bunch of porn pictures via e-mail. Is this normal, or is it all right that I’m freaking out about it?
2. My husband has the TV on every time we have sex and sometimes even watches. Why does he do that?
3. My fiance has a 13-year-old daughter with whom he shower/bathes/chats with while getting dressed. Um, this is a really strange way to act, isn’t it?

Maybe you’ve guessed it by now, but all three of these are inappropriate ways to act.

The answers:

1. Yes, you should probably freak out.  He may just be chatting online now, but Dr. Phil says you can basically call that infidelity, and just you wait, he’ll probably try to meet up with this people.  Plus, he’s rejecting you, and you shouldn’t have to stand for that.
2. “Your husband has simply gotten emotionally lazy.”  Turn the TV off, and be insistent about it.
3. In some states this may be considered abuse.  Once kids are about two, there’s no reason to interact with them while they’re naked.  He’s responsible for keeping that behavior going–the kid doesn’t know any better, and she’s probably being psychologically damaged by having this go on.

Whoa.  It’s amazing the questions that come up and the behaviors that people come up with where they think, “This is normal!”  Your husband can’t have sex without the TV on?  Get the TV out of the bedroom!  I’ve had TV’s in the bedroom here and there in my life, but I don’t have one now and don’t really intend to get one because it encourages me to stay awake even longer than I already do.  I mean, it’s a bedroom for a reason.  Keep it for sleeping.

I can’t even think about the last guy who thinks it’s OK for him and his teenage daughter to be naked around each other.  Whoa.  Wait.  What?!  That would totally freak me out if I was going to marry the guy.  At least Dr. Phil gave some good advice and spent a lot of time on the answer (he goes into why this guy’s behavior is exploitative and suggests a lot of therapy for everyone involved).

Dr. Phil this month has three questions about fighting, which seems a little at odds with the issue’s theme, though I suppose you wouldn’t ask Dr. Phil how you can be more grateful.

The first questioner wonders if constantly arguing with your partner means your relationship is in trouble.  Dr. Phil says that “arguing is not necessarily negative.  A common myth among couples is that the only great partnership is a peaceful one.”   He goes on to say that if you’re holding back feelings so that you don’t fight, that’s just as harmful to the relationship.  You should also look at your arguments and see if they’re helping or hurting your relationship.  He also gives some guidelines for fair fighting (don’t drag others into your problems, stay on point, get to what’s really bothering you, don’t be cruel, find a workable solution, if you win, don’t rub it in, and don’t immediately resort to ultimatums because not every argument should put your relationship on the line.

Question two is more about rage–a woman’s husband constantly yells at her.  She’s not the target of his rage, but she’s stuck taking the blows.  Dr. Phil says that it’s OK for the husband to have a bad day at work, but he definitely shouldn’t take his frustrations out on the wife.  So, take an hour (at least) and talk to him about this, and be sure not to blame yourself for his rage.  Figure out a plan so that he can identify and learn to control his rage.  If he’s not on board, try professional help.  Basically though, the wife shouldn’t be a doormat for this type of behavior because it will be detrimental to the relationship in the long run.

Lastly, Dr. Phil’s asked if it’s bad to fight in front of the kids.  Well, if you’re yelling and cussing each other out in front of them, yes, that’s bad.  But you can’t hide your anger so that your kids don’t see any disagreement either.  Just keep it in moderation–let your kids see hurt and frustration, but you don’t need to start the next big shouting match to prove a point.  Also, once an argument is over, your kids need to see you resolve the argument so that they don’t worry about you fighting all the time.

That’s an interesting point–I hadn’t realized that kids might see their parents disagree but never see the “everything’s OK” moment.  Important stuff to keep in mind if I ever have kids.

After only four issues, I’m starting to get a little bored of Dr. Phil.  There’s yet another question about spousal trust, another question about spousal respect, and another question about balancing friendships.  The spousal trust topic has been talked about in three of the first four issues.  Dr. Phil only answers three questions an issue, so trust is either a big issue with readers, or Dr. Phil can answer it easily.

Since nothing here seems new or relevant to me, I’m not going to explore Dr. Phil’s column much deeper.

In vol. 1, iss. 3, Dr. Phil talks about relationships. In every type of relationship you have, you’re in charge–and he doesn’t mean that you can control the relationship, that you’re in charge and everything goes your way. No, he means that in every relationship, you’re either giving or taking and that you choose how the relationship goes based on how you act.

Dr. Phil also says, “There are no victims in this world, only volunteers.” That’s an interesting thought, and I think it’s dangerous to take it out of context because sometimes in abusive relationships, the people didn’t ask to be volunteers. So, the quote continues, “If you really want change in your relationships or in any area of your life, you must acknowledge that you alone have chosen your experience through both your attitude and actions.”

If you continually portray yourself as the victim, then you’re never going to get out of that victim attitude of “I was wronged.”  I think that’s what he means here.   Besides, bad stuff can’t happen to you all of the time, can it?  There has to be something good in your life!

Anyway, let’s look at the questions:

1. I lied to my husband about my past before him, and now he can’t trust me.  I feel like I’ve read this one before–or I’ll keep seeing it over and over.  Dr. Phil says you have to acknowledge your husband’s feelings,  live your life with integrity, and then also point out that your behavior now isn’t what it was.  Regardless, it’s up to the husband to decide if he’ll trust you again.
2. We always visit my mother-in-law for vacation, and I’d like to go somewhere else for a change.  How can I deal with my “mama’s boy” of a husband?  I like Dr. Phil’s answer here because he says that you can’t go for a win-lose situation, where if you win, your mother-in-law loses, and vice versa.  If that happens, then it’s just a power struggle and everyone’s unhappy with the outcome.  Dr. Phil suggests figuring out a compromise.
3. I get involved with gossiping at work and I feel bad when I’m done putting everyone down.  How do I not be this way?  It’s nice here that the asker acknowledges that she’s being “petty and ridiculous.”  Dr. Phil agrees and poins out that when she’s not around, the office gossips are probably talking about her too.  He tells her to talk to these co-workers and tell them she’s not going to be part of their chatter anymore, and then do it.  Expect to be their target for a while, but you can use your time to build up your workplace instead of tearing everyone down. Whoa–the confrontation here would be difficult to do, and I wonder if the person who asked the question actually did this.  I think I’d just try to distance myself a bit from them without saying, “Yo, gossipers!  I can’t stand the way you talk, and I’m not down with it anymore!”
4. My second husband and I each brought kids into our marriage.  He treats my daughter harder than he treats his sons.  How should I handle this?  Protect your daughter (would be good for her to know you’re sticking up for her), point out the bad behavior to your husband, and have him make a change.  He may not agree with you, but he does need to change for her sake (that’s interesting, isn’t it).  Finally, thank him for changing–another nice touch because I think all too often we forget to thank our partners for some pretty big deals.

OK, Dr. Phil’s signing off for another issue.

This month Dr. Phil wants to get to the root of your problems, which means you may be upset about something, but there might be a bigger/deeper problem behind the general fussiness. Here’s this month’s questions:

My husband won’t help clean the house. It really bothers me, and he doesn’t notice. What can I do to make him see that I’m upset? [note to women, courtesy of Dr. Phil: men don't mind being messy as much as women do]

My best friend whines a lot but refuses to change anything about herself. How can I get her to change that?

I think my husband is having an affair. He says I don’t trust him. How do I confront him?

I’m constantly comparing myself to my friends and am envious of their successes. How do I stop that behavior?

These are interesting, and there’s a pre-cursor of a little feature of the column that’s yet to come: the scripted conversation. In the first question Dr. Phil suggests a specific conversation to have with the husband to tell him that what she wants doesn’t seem important to him, therefore she’s not important to him either. But that’s not the whole answer (which is nice, since if this was me, I’d want the easy way out and just be able to blame him)! She’s got to look at her behaviors too and make sure she’s not enabling him–complaining and still cleaning up for him. Complain and let the mess pile up until it affects him.

I know I whine a lot–and hopefully I whine less than I used to. I whined a lot about the job I just left because it wasn’t the one for me. After a while (i.e.–YEARS), I got tired of complaining about it because things weren’t going to get better unless I did something about it. It helped that I got sick of my mother complaining about her job and then seeming to revel in the fact that I hated mine. Somewhere along the way I realized I didn’t want to be complaining about my job for forty years. I realized I had one life and didn’t need to spend it doing something that wasn’t me. It just took a long time to come around to that and the idea that it’s OK to have a life you don’t complain about.

So many of us do things because we’re “supposed to,” especially women because we tend to want to please people. It’s difficult to get out of that mindset and actually want to life the life we want to. Hmmmm—I smell a theme here! That’s what we’ll be talking about more in this issue.

The last question also ties in well with my life. Dr. Phil says that a lot of us feel the twinge of jealousy when good things happen to our friends, but we do need to explore the whys behind it. If we’re too jealous, maybe there’s something about our life (even an unrelated something) that we need to change. Go about fixing that instead of getting jealous about your friends!

I used to be jealous of friends more, but when I tried to not complain about the job as much and work on the writing, things got better. In fact, when my friend Carl got a great job doing what he loved (and getting well-paid for it), I felt genuinely happy for him–the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel that enormous twinge of jealously that I usually felt in those situations. It was really weird to not have that jealously, but it felt great, and I wanted to feel that way every time I had news from friends. I think changing my life has helped that somewhat, and over time, I think it’ll get better.

Since the beginning, Dr. Phil has been a columnist in the magazine. It’s a self-help magazine, but sometimes you need experts to help with some specific problems or you need to read some specifics to help you. At any rate, what’s a woman’s magazine without an agony column?

For the purposes of this blog, I’m mostly going to post the regular columnists’ questions. I mainly want to see how many, if any, repeats there are. One of the things I do hate about many women’s magazines is the fact that every year it seems like they do the same features, and almost every issue has the same things: Lose Weight! Bake a Chocolate Dessert! Get Organized! Have Better Sex!

The promise of O is that every issue’s supposed to have a different theme. SPOILER ALERT: She does end up repeating some themes, but really, I can’t blame them. You’ve got to anticipate getting new readers all the time, so sometimes you have to repeat for their sake, but the concept of having an issue revolve around a theme is pretty cool to me.

Back to Dr. Phil. Here are this month’s (sometimes truncated) questions:

I’ve always had a bad temper. How can I stop?

As a child, I told little lies to get out of tight spots, but now I make things up all the time. I’m at the point where I don’t even remember what’s true.

My friend calls me only when she’s in a crunch or needs free therapy. Her selfishness really peeves me, but I can’t seem to tell her that. Now she needs me to help her move into her new apartment. I want to say no, but I know she’ll hit me with a guilt trip. Any advice?

My husband never admits he’s wrong. When we argue or discuss an issue, he has to be right or he blows up and gets defensive. I hate the example he’s setting for our two sons, and I don’t see how we can make our relationship work if he’s not more reasonable. Any ideas?

What I like about this column is that Dr. Phil gets more space for his answers than say, Dear Abby. He has room to explain things like, “Your core problem is not your temper. Anger almost always overlays hurt, fear, frustration or shame. Your outbursts are a symptom of buried pain that surfaces in the form of your tirades.”

Anyway, what have I learned here? Well, I have a bit of a temper, and I think it mainly comes from frustration and/or hurt. The advice is to look behind your anger and try to see where it’s stemming from.  Then when you find the source of your anger, figure out how to deal with it in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone else.

Other than  that,  I don’t think the rest of the problems here really apply to me.