Well, this is kind of a wrap-up–I’ve finished the themed portion of another issue.  I’ll come back to the rest of it at another point during this project.

What have I learned about success?  Well, it’s good to want success–but not to think about it like that.  It’s more of a “be the best you can be, and success will follow.”  I’m still trying to get better, I’m trying to put myself out there more.  I haven’t tasted success as I define it, but I have more confidence that I’ll get there.

I read this issue because I was worried about competition from another Oprah-centric, project-based website called Living Oprah.  I’ve stressed over her project–and hell, I don’t even know if she knows I exist.  After reading a few of these issues, I don’t really care about her anymore.  Her project is different (as the Boy pointed out a while back) and whether or not she succeeds or fails with whatever her goals are, that has nothing to do with me and my work.  It’s up to me to focus on my work and  making it the best it can be [true, it's also up to me to start marketing it and finding out how more people will read it, but I'll work on that].  And that’s a big relief.

So I’m reading Oprah’s “Here We Go” column in the “Success” issue (Sept. 2001) and I feel like I’ve read this advice before.  Oprah says you have to define what success is for you–you can’t try to fit into someone else’s definition–and that this issue is devoted to helping you figure out what your own “voice of success” is.   For Oprah, success is:

For me, success is about knowing who you are, and then using who you are and what you do to serve yourself, your family, your community, our world.  It’s knowing your strengths and building on them–and knowing your weaknesses and working on them.  It’s being so confident in your own character and style that no on else can even tell you how to dress–or, more important, how to live.  You have a certain way of being in this world, and your imprint is what matters.  There’s never going to be another one like you.  So take it to the max!

But wait.  Beyond the instasnark comment of wondering why Oprah has fashion pages if you don’t need to be told how to dress, I couldn’t help thinking that I had read something like this before.  Oh yeah.  It was in the Trust issue in volume 1.  There you had to figure out who you were so you could rely on yourself.  This sounds about the same–you define what success is.

I understand that “success” has different definitions for different people, but for me I think it’s being able to be a published writer/humorist/essayist who could make a living off of the writing and not need to rely on my husband for most of the income in the house.  Somehow I think this issue is going to go more general because frankly, not everyone is going to be a bestselling writer or have a Top-40 hit, so you’ve got to find ways the average person can be and feel successful.

I’m hoping the article “Success: The Real Thing” is helpful because it’s apparently about taking “time, and trial and error, to hear the calling of your inner voice–and then be willing to listen.”  I’m anticipating needing to hear about the patience factor and am curious about trial and error.

I do fear not getting anything out of this issue–that it will be too much like the others.  We’ll see though.  Once again, this time I’m just reading the themed sections to deal with perceived competition from Living Oprah.  Maybe by the time I’m done, I’ll have found “Excellence” and can look at that issue again.

In my attempts to survive alongside a similarly-themed blog, I’ve used O Magazine to build up my self-esteem a little bit. Now I’m going to look at the “Excellence” issue (December 2003) to challenge myself to produce good work–the best I can. Then I’ll look at “Success” (September 2001) to see how I can make my excellent work translate to dollars in the wallet (as a new writer, the dollars in the wallet are currently very few).

In her “Here We Go” column on this topic, Oprah encourages excellence, being extraordinary rather than just sufficient.  We shouldn’t try to simply get through the day/week/month, we should try to be better. In my last job I felt a lot of, “If I can just get through the week, I’ll be OK,” which isn’t a great feeling when you have a decent education under your belt, you’re getting paid, and you can travel/do a lot of things with your money.

Now that I’m writing full-time, I do feel a longing to wanting to be better.  It’s up to me to be the best writer I can be, and I don’t really want to be just sufficient–I want to be good, to push myself to be right up there with the best.

Will this issue give me any tips to get me there?

OK, I’ve finished the self-esteem bits of the March 2001 issue. I’ll go back to the rest of the issue once I’m finished with my LO dilemma (competition from another blog….or self-perceived competition from another blog).

I have to say this issue has helped me a lot. Mostly with self-esteem, you have to learn how to be confident in who you are and what you do–it’s more important that you don’t sit around and try to measure up to others or let others dictate how you feel.

That said, it’s not easy to go from loving to get approval from everyone to doing your own thing, but it can be done. Just keep plugging away, and the accomplishments will help build you up.

The funny thing is that I can do a lot of stuff–dance, read music, play several instruments, play sports, etc., but I don’t really regard that as being special and making me worthy. I can just do those things. Doesn’t everyone know how? Apparently not. And discounting my accomplishments has helped me to not feel as worthy because I’m not doing something huge and world-changing with my life. No, I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and be good with what I can do.

I also need to know that there will be times when I’m just going to have a bad day, or I’m going to do something stupid. I should acknowledge those times and move on, rather than wallow in them, as I am wont to do. I think I’m better equipped now to handle the downturns though.

I pulled out this issue because I didn’t feel like I could compete with the Living Oprah site/project. But perhaps it’s not a competition at all. I know she exists, but I’ve got my separate thing going and I think it’s a pretty good project in and of itself. So what if she’s had radio interviews? That doesn’t mean her project is any better, nor does it mean my project is any worse. It just means that if I want more readers, I’m going to have to figure out how to publicize this site a little more. That’s all.

So how do I do that? Well, I think it’s time to look at the Success (September 2001) and Excellence (December 2003) issues and see if they have any good advice for me.

You know how sometimes you read an article and the subject really speaks to you?  Well, after reading an interview with David K. Reynolds, Ph.D. about self-esteem, I felt he was speaking directly to me.  What did he say?  “Babybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybabybaby!”

The article in question is “The Radical Road to Self-Esteem.”  Reynolds teaches a theory called Constructive Living, which is based on some Japanese therapies, where even if you’re scared to death, you “do what you have to do” to get through the present, and you’ll be able to change your life.

This sort of philosophy is radically different from what America preaches–or maybe what the pharmaceutical companies preach–because we believe you have to feel good about yourself first, then you can live.  Take meds, try to heal from a troubled past, visualize a good future.

Reynolds is talking about tough love, which shouldn’t be new to me.  I mean, I’ve heard, “Get over it!” from both the Boy and my mother, so why I’m intent on wallowing in my past, I don’t know.  Reynolds claims you don’t have good self-esteem because you haven’t taken enough risks and seen enough successes–you feel good by succeeding, but the only way to succeed is to take a risk (and admittedly, sometimes you have to take a lot of risks before you find success).  He says you don’t need to feel good to have success either–you can be deathly afraid of something (the example here is flying, but substitute any big fear), but if you just do it, you’ll see that you can, and that will give you more confidence.  You don’t need to placate yourself first, or, even worse, not do said fear just because you’re afraid.

Reynolds isn’t a big fan of the wallowing in your past memories either.  He claims it’s convenient to go to therapy and hash out your problems over and over instead of making an actual effort to do something.  It’s easy to push the responsibility for your own life onto someone else.  At a certain point you need to get over it and move on.  [perhaps this man doesn't know what it's like to have or need a good cry every once in a while]  Nobody knows how to fix feelings, so it’s best if you can just recognize the bad feelings and try not to let them prevent you from doing what you want to do.  It’s nice that he says it’s OK to feel not great–you can feel lazy or scared or depressed, but the key is to not let those bad feelings take over and dictate how you live.

The interviewer does talk a little about chemical imbalances, which is good because they do exist, and this guy seems to say, well, they don’t matter; just control yourself.  Reynolds does acknowledge them, but he believes you can train yourself to slowly take control and not let your disease take control.

Another nice thing he mentions is that you won’t feel great about yourself all the time, and that’s normal.  You’re not “on” all the time, not smart, not kind, not wonderful all the time, so there are naturally times when you’re not going to feel great about yourself.  However, you’ll have different supports in your life that you can rely on to get you through.

Overall, it was a really interesting article that provided me with some basic thoughts to keep moving forward.  OK, I’m not feeling great about myself, my writing, or this project at the moment, but I have to keep moving ahead.  Now, I also think therapy is helpful for some people.  I’m in therapy for Fat Camp, and I think that’s been enormously helpful for me.  I think there are some points/aspects of life where you know you need to get out, but you can’t figure out how to do it and need some outside opinions.  If you’re at a stage like me where you simply just need a reminder to take a few risks and get stuff done, and that will give you the self-esteem fix you need, then maybe reading more on Constructive Living would help.

So what will I do to boost my self-esteem the Constructive Living way?  Well, it’s helped that I’ve written a fair amount in the last couple of days.  I always find the project a little less daunting when I’m actually working on it.  I swear, if I’m not working on this project, the stack of Oprahs grows exponentially, and the whole project seems undoable.  Half a magazine later, I feel much better about it.  But I really want some more exposure–not only for me, but really, for people who need help or for people who rely on self-help books to get them through.  I think it’s important to examine the self-help industry and see if it’s actually as valuable as we think it is.

I haven’t been around for a few days–I’m sorry for that.  Part of it’s because I’m still trying to fit this project in with some everyday work.  The other reason is that I’m still licking some wounds from being kicked to the curb (figuratively) by Dr. Phil.

In the self-esteem issue (March 2001), Dr. Phil takes on some questions about self-perception, a couple of which I could’ve written:

1. What is this “self-esteem” that you speak of?  I don’t understand what it is.  I hate everything about myself, so how can I get some self-esteem? Dr. Phil liked this question–and I do too.  It’s a nice basic one to get the ball rolling.  Dr. Phil defines self-esteem as “the degree to which you assign worth to yourself.  Other common words for this are self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-assurance. Some people possess a high degree of these qualities and some people don’t.”  Really, the amount of self-esteem you have is your call.  Even though you may be influenced by experiences and people, how you think of yourself is up to you.  It’s all in how you perceive yourself (and Dr. Phil notes that perception and reality aren’t the same thing).  So if you think poorly of yourself, get over it–you’re unique and have value.  Talking bad about yourself isn’t going to help.  Dr. Phil also does say (and mad props for this) that if you have a negative self-perception, maybe there’s a reason for that.  You’re not worthless–nobody’s worthless–but if you think you’re “lazy and selfish,” and it turns out to be true, uh, maybe you should fix that.
2. I feel worthless because my parents pounded that thought into me, and even though I’m an adult, these thoughts still plague me.  How can I stop feeling so worthless? “When you have negative thoughts about yourself, you are not responding to who you really are, you are responding to your perception of you.  Change the perception and you will change your life.  Sometimes we must give ourselves what we wish we had gotten from others, unfair as it may be.”  That’s the short part of the answer–Dr. Phil talks about not perpetrating this behavior with the writer’s kids.  At least Dr. Phil acknowledges that changing your self-perception can take some time.  You have to keep at it though because eventually those better messages will sink in.  This is good advice for me–I don’t have the greatest self-esteem at times, and I tend to beat myself up and talk myself out of doing a lot of writing/submitting because I feel like I’m not a good enough writer (or I don’t want to deal with the rejection of a totally awesome idea).  If I can stop those negative thoughts from bubbling up, I can deal with this Living Oprah competition.
3. Can you have too much self-esteem?  Because I’ve got this friend who will not shut up about herself. Dr. Phil says if you’re really confident with yourself, you don’t feel the need to flaunt it.  This is probably someone who feels inferior and feels the need to be superior to make herself feel better.
4. My son’s got some drug/prison problems, and I’ve got a 14-yr-old daughter who’s got to deal with people being mean to her about this situation.  What can I tell her? I thought this was an interesting question too…ah, the joys of taunting children.  Why we have high school reunions to remind us of this, I’m not sure.  Dr. Phil advises the writer to remind the daughter that she is not her brother, everybody makes choices, the brother made some bad choices, and now he’s facing the circumstances.  Also tell the daughter that everyone goes through rough patches (don’t wish them on anyone), so she’s not alone.  Finally, remind her that people probably aren’t talking about her as much as she thinks they are, so try not to obsess over what other people think about this situation.

Overall, some pretty interesting questions and decent advice.  I’m feeling more worthy about myself already.

I have to commend the calendar in the “Getting Unstuck” issue.  I think the advice offered in it is useful and really covers a broad range of situations that would need help.  Most of them, however, aren’t mine.  That’s OK though.  I’m feeling a little bit better about my project–just need to keep plugging away at it (which is basically one of the pieces of advice given here), and eventually I’ll get where I need to go.

It sounds pretty lame, doesn’t it?  I sometimes look for that lightening bolt piece of advice that I’ve never heard before, but I’m stuck with hoping that the 101st time I hear, “Just take it one step at a time,” will actually sink in.

Other advice given in this month’s calendar?

• If there’s something you need/want, but you’re scared about asking for it, get all the information you’ll need to make your case and practice your spiel before you really ask for it.
• Make sure you’re following your dreams, not someone else’s.
• If you want to change but have a lot of limiting circumstances, get some friends together and they can help you come up with some ideas.
• Create a “ten things to do before I die” list and then do them.
• If you don’t know how to get started on your goal, find someone who’s done something similar and figure out how she got there (this is also helpful, I think).
• Give yourself time to dream up your next thing.
• Make sure you know what you really want–maybe a little shift is all you need to make a big difference.

All good pieces of advice, just not what I’m looking for to help me get out of my stuck fetal position in this hidey hole I’ve created on the internet.  I’ll keep reading though–maybe there’s something else that will help me.

It’s Sunday morning here in Chicago, and the Boy has just gone off to compete in a fencing tournament. He hasn’t competed in a long time and he needs to renew his rating this year (fencers are rated by letters to show how well they do in competition–if you compete well against good fencers, you’re rated well–it’s a bit complicated, but the rating you get only lasts a few years, and in that time you need to renew it or improve it, or it will drop a level. The Boy has been on and off with his fencing, so the renewal’s snuck up on him a bit). His big problem is that he gets up in his head and starts thinking about what’s next, and then he’s not mentally prepared for the match–or even point–at hand. Since he’s not living in the moment, he kind of sabotages himself a bit. The day he got his rating, his attitude and approach were surprisingly different, and that’s why he did so well.

Talking the Boy out of his head so he can fence is a good reminder for me to not do the same thing with my writing. I tried to get all Oprah on his ass, but unfortunately, the “live in the moment” issue didn’t have any advice that would apply to him at that moment. Argh.

Still, he gets stuck, I feel a bit stuck right now, so it’s a good time to pull out the “Getting Unstuck” issue (Sept. 2005) and see if it will help me with my LO dilemma.

Usually, Oprah’s “Here We Go” column has a little story or wisdom on the theme at hand, but this time it’s just a general letter from the editor. I wonder if the column’s evolved from including a personal story about the topic to just the basic “here’s what’s in this issue” column. Maybe this column is the exception to the rule, and she didn’t have much to say on it.

At any rate, we’ll see if O can help me get a bit unstuck over the next couple of days.

[note: I did look at "Confidence" (May 2004), but that turned out to be "Body Confidence," which won't help in this case.]

OK, although I’m not quite done with this issue, I’m done with the themed bits that will help me get through my dilemma of perceived competition.  I feel better. I feel inspired.  I do have this dream to become a writer, and I think this project is a way to get me there.  Instead of getting waylaid by some other blogger who’s working on a similar project, I feel like I’ve gotten some reminders that I need to have courage about this dream–do it, work on it.  I believe in it, so much so that I just have to make it happen.  Plus, if I take it a little bit at a time, I won’t overwhelm myself, and it’ll just happen before I know it.

So.  Although I’m feeling more confidence in myself and this project at the moment, I’m sure I’m not totally fixed yet, so it’s on to another issue to help me work on how I can put myself out there the same way LO has (i.e.–publicity).  I also need to make sure I stick with my project…and maybe work a bit faster on it.

I will say that Oprah is one woman who has dreamt big and really made it happen.  In her “What I Know for Sure” essay in this Dreams issue, she talks about dreaming about working in television, but she didn’t want to be a big celebrity.  Instead she focused on the process and became a more excellent person, and then the big dream came to fruition.

She writes that you need to really reach and become the best person you can–there’s so much potential inside of each one of us, but it’s up to us to define what that potential is and work toward it.  We can’t be afraid to follow our big dreams, but we also have to be open to the process that the big dream is–I mean, it’s a big dream for a reason, right?  But just keep moving forward toward your goal, working hard at it.  But what’s also important is to let some higher power have that dream so it can also help see that dream fulfilled.  It sounds kind of weird, but I get it–at some point you have to let go and pray that that something bigger than you can help your dream become a reality.