Dr. Phil this month has three questions about fighting, which seems a little at odds with the issue’s theme, though I suppose you wouldn’t ask Dr. Phil how you can be more grateful.
The first questioner wonders if constantly arguing with your partner means your relationship is in trouble. Dr. Phil says that “arguing is not necessarily negative. A common myth among couples is that the only great partnership is a peaceful one.” He goes on to say that if you’re holding back feelings so that you don’t fight, that’s just as harmful to the relationship. You should also look at your arguments and see if they’re helping or hurting your relationship. He also gives some guidelines for fair fighting (don’t drag others into your problems, stay on point, get to what’s really bothering you, don’t be cruel, find a workable solution, if you win, don’t rub it in, and don’t immediately resort to ultimatums because not every argument should put your relationship on the line.
Question two is more about rage–a woman’s husband constantly yells at her. She’s not the target of his rage, but she’s stuck taking the blows. Dr. Phil says that it’s OK for the husband to have a bad day at work, but he definitely shouldn’t take his frustrations out on the wife. So, take an hour (at least) and talk to him about this, and be sure not to blame yourself for his rage. Figure out a plan so that he can identify and learn to control his rage. If he’s not on board, try professional help. Basically though, the wife shouldn’t be a doormat for this type of behavior because it will be detrimental to the relationship in the long run.
Lastly, Dr. Phil’s asked if it’s bad to fight in front of the kids. Well, if you’re yelling and cussing each other out in front of them, yes, that’s bad. But you can’t hide your anger so that your kids don’t see any disagreement either. Just keep it in moderation–let your kids see hurt and frustration, but you don’t need to start the next big shouting match to prove a point. Also, once an argument is over, your kids need to see you resolve the argument so that they don’t worry about you fighting all the time.
That’s an interesting point–I hadn’t realized that kids might see their parents disagree but never see the “everything’s OK” moment. Important stuff to keep in mind if I ever have kids.
