In vol. 1, iss. 3, Dr. Phil talks about relationships. In every type of relationship you have, you’re in charge–and he doesn’t mean that you can control the relationship, that you’re in charge and everything goes your way. No, he means that in every relationship, you’re either giving or taking and that you choose how the relationship goes based on how you act.
Dr. Phil also says, “There are no victims in this world, only volunteers.” That’s an interesting thought, and I think it’s dangerous to take it out of context because sometimes in abusive relationships, the people didn’t ask to be volunteers. So, the quote continues, “If you really want change in your relationships or in any area of your life, you must acknowledge that you alone have chosen your experience through both your attitude and actions.”
If you continually portray yourself as the victim, then you’re never going to get out of that victim attitude of “I was wronged.” I think that’s what he means here. Besides, bad stuff can’t happen to you all of the time, can it? There has to be something good in your life!
Anyway, let’s look at the questions:
- I lied to my husband about my past before him, and now he can’t trust me. I feel like I’ve read this one before–or I’ll keep seeing it over and over. Dr. Phil says you have to acknowledge your husband’s feelings, live your life with integrity, and then also point out that your behavior now isn’t what it was. Regardless, it’s up to the husband to decide if he’ll trust you again.
- We always visit my mother-in-law for vacation, and I’d like to go somewhere else for a change. How can I deal with my “mama’s boy” of a husband? I like Dr. Phil’s answer here because he says that you can’t go for a win-lose situation, where if you win, your mother-in-law loses, and vice versa. If that happens, then it’s just a power struggle and everyone’s unhappy with the outcome. Dr. Phil suggests figuring out a compromise.
- I get involved with gossiping at work and I feel bad when I’m done putting everyone down. How do I not be this way? It’s nice here that the asker acknowledges that she’s being “petty and ridiculous.” Dr. Phil agrees and poins out that when she’s not around, the office gossips are probably talking about her too. He tells her to talk to these co-workers and tell them she’s not going to be part of their chatter anymore, and then do it. Expect to be their target for a while, but you can use your time to build up your workplace instead of tearing everyone down. Whoa–the confrontation here would be difficult to do, and I wonder if the person who asked the question actually did this. I think I’d just try to distance myself a bit from them without saying, “Yo, gossipers! I can’t stand the way you talk, and I’m not down with it anymore!”
- My second husband and I each brought kids into our marriage. He treats my daughter harder than he treats his sons. How should I handle this? Protect your daughter (would be good for her to know you’re sticking up for her), point out the bad behavior to your husband, and have him make a change. He may not agree with you, but he does need to change for her sake (that’s interesting, isn’t it). Finally, thank him for changing–another nice touch because I think all too often we forget to thank our partners for some pretty big deals.
OK, Dr. Phil’s signing off for another issue.
