Since time is of the essence, I’m going to go through my Courage Journal a little quickly. Some points are “stuff to do,” so I don’t need to reflect here. I do think I have a fair amount of courage–I like trying new things, and I’m not necessarily afraid of putting myself into a new situation. Do I let myself get too comfortable? Maybe. And that’s something to work on, but I think that’s probably something I have to continually work on throughout my life.
What’s keeping me from my goals? Time is part of the deal. Myself is another part of the deal–I tend to come up with new activities to occupy my time rather than work toward my goals.
What was I created to do? I’m most comfortable with and love writing. I love communicating through the written word. I love making people laugh with my writing. I’ve felt for a long time that I should be a writer–but it’s a long, hard slog to actually do it.
What am I really afraid of in life? Success. Really. I grew up in a household where you did what you should, and that usually wasn’t what you were passionate about. Defer your dreams. Always. There was a lot of “you should do x,” so you did and you complained about it, and then you took comfort in your complaining. I went to grad school mainly because I wanted to move out of the house. I’d figured out my senior year in college that I should be a writer, but I knew that would be a while in coming, and I needed to make a living somehow. I talked with a friend of a friend who was going to library school, and I thought that might be an option. I took a year off and got a job in the library field. I lived at home, and I wrote a good amount in my spare time. Things were going well, and I wanted to move to Chicago.
My mother asked if I was going to grad school. I said no, I didn’t want to. She told me that I wasn’t going anywhere unless I got a Master’s degree. Within a month, I’d applied to school, was accepted, and was moving to the city.
In grad school I tended to sit in the back and mock everything. I mean, that’s what I did. Then during one class, I realized that most of the other students wanted to be there. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.
Fast-forward ten years. I have a Master’s, I work in a library, and I’m writing a few things here and there, but I’m not focused enough on it. Am I just afraid of being a successful writer? It’s just easier to sit back, live a regular life, complain about it, and daydream about what could be.
What would you be willing to give up? I’m one of those kids who did everything growing up, so I’m really good at filling time with activities. I’m slowing figuring out that I can’t do that anymore. The Boy and I are going to Japan this fall for vacation, so last fall I said we needed to take Japanese in order to be able to function a little bit better. Well, that turned out to be a big time suck. Japanese is pretty difficult and requires a lot of studying. Needless to say, that instantly took time away from my writing. After a couple of months, I dropped out because I was unhappy with the fact that I didn’t have any time to write–I’d totally spread myself too thin. Do I still wish I could learn Japanese? Yes, but since I’m not a full-time writer, I don’t have the time in the evenings to do both.
Now I’m really low on outside commitments (comparatively), and I’m getting some writing assignments, which is good.
Imagine the worst thing that could happen if you followed your goal. I’d be worried that my goal would take up all of my time and that I wouldn’t be able to just relax and enjoy time with the Boy. Perhaps that’s just a temporary thing, and once I reach my goal, I’ll have a little more time.
They also want me to list five qualities I have that can help me overcome any obstacle. I feel weird doing this (because what if I’m wrong?), but here’s a quick list: flexibility, endurance, common sense, sense of humor, intelligence.
But will those help me overcome my self-sabotaging tendencies? We shall see.
